Wow... that was nerdalicious!

Well, I've finally done it. I've read all of XKCD. There is nothing out there that speaks to my nerd and geek tendencies so strongly. The really cool part for me was the way it explains complex emotional states in such a complex scientific way that it made perfect sense to me. I feel like I've gained a new sense of clarity that isn't related to hating people and that's rare indeed. To celebrate, here's a dancing monkey quoting Shakespeare.

Also, this page, it amuses me.

-Salem
This is how I lived until I ditched my alarm clock and started using my mobile phone.

Connections...

So today has had an interesting start for me. We got a visit from a long lost family member today (my cousin to be specific) and I was informed about her family. Turns out that I'm rather closely and directly related to Brisbane's current head of the Ethical Standards Command, Assistant Commissioner Alan Davey. Indeed, he falls into the category of second cousin. This comes as a bit of a shock to me for many obvious reasons...

-Salem
Is it ethical of me to wear a bomb-squad shirt? I hope so...

30% of Tabula Rasa done

*sigh* its now 5:47pm and I've been going since about 9am this morning and we're up to 30%. Maybe my joke earlier about this not being done in time for Salem coming home might be right. But I hope not.

So as the net is incredibly slow and CoV just looks at me and laughs when I try to load it up I found this.

http://www.ifilm.com/video/2799214

So whoevers on enjoy and have fun watching some sweet anime clippets. yes not clips, clippets.

Oh yeah, I went there...

How dull is my life? Well, I've just managed my new record in Penguin and I'm posting about it. 'Nuff said.


-Salem
No sir, you are quite correct. I have no life.

Flaming Carrot gets all the Ladies

No, seriously, he totally does...

-Salem
What a carrot...

7 Day Retrospective

Disclaimer:
Don't read this. No seriously, I posted this up simply to pass the time and perhaps look back at in the future and get a bit of perspective. As such, this contains nothing even remotely amusing and I can promise that it's just a bunch of self-gratifying BS. In short, this is just the kind of crap that you can find posted all over MySpace (no I will not link to them, no matter how relevant) and exactly the kind of thing that makes me loathe that same site. Run, run for the hills and never look back at this mass of writhing egotism!
End of Disclaimer.

Well, today is Thursday and I've finished off all my work for the week. This is a good thing to be sure, but my week has plagued me somewhat. On the whole, I think this has been one of the worst weeks I've ever had but to make sure, I've decided to make a list of pros and cons. Why am I posting it? Meh, it's my blog and I'll post what I like. It's in the charter dammit.

So let's take a look at what has transpired between last Thursday and today.

Pros:
Went for my second interview at Pandemic Studios in Brisbane.
I Finished off the last of the bridge that I've been working on.
I got paid.
Frejak was able to attend my work Christmas party.
Got to kiss my girlfriend in front of our co-workers. (Complicated)
I have time to take all my allotted smoke breaks at work.
I've managed to amass 2 weeks of paid leave.
I was given a slingshot... a really good one.
I still have decent coffee in the cupboard here at the office.

Cons:
My girlfriend broke up with me.
I've still got a nagging cough and the sniffles.
After paying bills and rent, I've had $.063 since Friday.
I missed the work Christmas party because I was working.
It was the last kiss I will ever receive from her.
I just ran out of smokes, making smoke breaks useless.
I organised a week long trip to my parents house.
My track record shows that slingshots get me in trouble.
My diet this week has consisted of little more than coffee.

That's really about all of it I guess. Looking over it, this week really has sucked. Thankfully, I've eaten so very little this week that my body is surrendering to my brain, so it feels like I'm floating on a cloud of endorphins that really shouldn't be there. Besides, I think I used up a years quota of depression on Sunday and Monday, so I don't have the emotional energy for anything more than apathy right now. We should all know this formula by now:

Apathy + Endorphins = Mild Euphoria

I'll be floating around here somewhere for a while yet I'd say. Perhaps I'll go home and risk playing around with that slingshot...
It really was an awesome gift.

-Salem
No, you probably didn't need to know any of that.

Not that he'll see it here...

Well, this is getting sent all over the place and there's a good chance that you've already seen it, but I still like it. I'm primarily posting it up for Visure, but to be honest, he probably won't watch it here. He can't get to the interwebs from his workplace and since he doesn't bother checking much that's happening on-line at home, his membership here is mostly honorific (that means he's a member only in the spirit of including one of my closest friends in my activities). Anyhow, this one is for you Vis, I hope you like it if you ever see it here.



If it wasn't that they use VB, I'd swear that this was perpetrated by the people behind the "Australia" episode of the Simpsons...

-Salem
"Orchestral music?"
"Beer!"
"O-R..."
"B-E..."
~sigh~

Zombie Quest 1.0

Has this ever happened to you?

Well I'm sure hoping that it hasn't or I may have missed the event that I've been waiting for. Either way, it's mostly irrelevant. Seeing something along those lines is becoming a sure fire way to tell that you'll be reading about zombies and I hate to disappoint. This however is not really a part of the larger "Zombie Plan" series, but more accurately something I personally plan on doing in the midst of the Zombie Apocalypse while others are adhering to the plan. I'm sure that what you will read here will shock you in the fact that my Zombie Quest is completely at odds with the goals of our Zombie Plan, namely survival.

I've recently been telling people that once our plan has been put into action and we have fortified ourselves adequately that I plan to aim the stereo out the window, put on some serious metal and jump off the front balcony to go and inflict some Hollywood style carnage on the horde of walking corpses that are sure to gather at the entrance to our Zombie Fortress. Today, I've decided that this is no longer just something I'm joking about, I'm going to do it. Rather than just aim the speakers out the window, I'm going to arm myself with some personal speakers plugged into an MP3 player and make a serious effort to damage and mutilate things in the most picturesque and mind-blowingly awesome ways I can think of. In short, if I could film myself, I'm sure that it would be YouTube's most watched video. I'm hoping that I'll manage to rack up an impressive kill count and don't think I'll stop until I'm either too tired to keep going, my MP3 player goes flat or I just get eaten. Should be fun.

The thing here is that Survival and I aren't really the best of friends. There's not a single RPG game that I've played during which my character will enact some sort of near-suicidal plan designed to get everyone else out of the hopeless situation that threatens to doom us all. Sometimes it goes well and miracles happen, other times it leaves my character mutilated and in need of major surgery in the next 5 minutes or face the kind of death that is reserved for heroes in war movies and Shakespearian tragedies. Why is this even remotely relevant? Well mostly because I'm quite willing to do the same in my everyday life. It doesn't show through nearly as much, but it's there. When was the last time you had to be the last one out of a tunnel so that your group of friends would be sure the C4 detonated, destroying the cyborgs that were chasing you? Exactly my point, you don't get the same calibre of disaster in reality as you do in an RPG.


I'm sure that my massive martyr complex will kick in at the exact same time as the Zombie Apocalypse so the hard part of the plan for me will be not throwing myself on my sword until it will do some honest good. Fighting my way through hundreds of the undead to go get plain flour for some cookies that Frejak hoped to bake to raise moral when all we have in the cupboard is self-raising... not really the best reason to risk becoming zombie-chow, but in my mind, it's good enough. Let's just hope that my MP3 player is out of juice when that one hits. Still, given half a chance, I'll be willing to risk getting torn open to do some good for the team and that is my personal Zombie Quest.

-Salem
At least there will be more food for everyone, zombies included.

Dammit! Just... Dammit!

Well, it finally happened. We got a comment from a completely non-affiliated person. This is not the reason for my cursing however, the reason is that they left a return link to their own blog and well... I can't read the damn thing!

So you are all aware, I don't know any language other than English.

This upsets me because I believe in the whole "One good turn deserves another" and in this case, my own lack of languages is preventing me from being able to understand anything. I'm not going to go around promoting other people's blogs unless I've read them first, so what the hell do I do here?

Well, I guess our new visitor will have to be content knowing that while I can't in good conscience say anything nice about their blog, I am still grateful for the compliments left for us here. Thank you, you were not overlooked, I just don't know... I'm going to guess at Spanish, but what the hell would I know. It's a miracle I can even get along in English these days. I hope that in the future, you will continue to enjoy our pointless postings while I go and find someone to translate for me.
~sigh~

-Salem
Just... DAMMIT!

New Comic

Sara_Jayne sent me the link for XKCD and here are two of my favourites:


Hehehe... comics :)

-Salem
When will I run out of things to do here?

The More You Know!

Just thought you'd like to see how we stack up to the other web-sites. Aren't we amazing? I think we could have hit 'Genius' if I hadn't posted that story about the bear. Live and learn I suppose. We'll try again next year/100 posts, whichever comes first I guess.

-Salem
Go on, ask me something hard...

First, 100 posts and now our 1st Birthday.

Take it away MC Chris!

~~~~~
Go Robot, it's your birthday!
Go Robot, it's your birthday!

You're one year older, one year wiser,
Rock n' Roll star, King, Tsar and a Kaiser.
A room full of friends, a mouth full of cake,
Every present is for you and it feels pretty great.
You're the man of the hour, the V.I.P.
You get the first slice of the p.i.e.
But first blow out the candles and make a wish.
Put a smile on 'cus it's your birthday bitch!

Go Robot, it's your birthday!
Go Robot, it's your birthday!
~~~~~

The best kind of deadly sin...

Ok, so enough with the birthday songs. It's been a great year here on MB and I have to say that I'm shocked (but pleasantly so) that we managed to keep going this long. Usually, our collective interest wanes and dies within a few weeks of starting on something like this. Turns out that if this blogger thing is indeed the deadly sin that has replaced Sloth, then we're eager to submit to an eternity in Hell.

Hmm... The scary cat-thing makes a compelling argument...

The upside is that I can now announce that the winner of our '100 Rambles' contest is (and this will come as a shock to you all I'm sure)... Kahn. I'd be bitter about him beating me, but since I'm ineligible to win anything as it's my contest, I guess I'll be content with making sure that my name is plastered all over the award so that he can never forget who the real king of this little hill is. Congratulations! We love you Kahn, you shall live to blog another day.

Hmm... The fuzzy baby penguin makes a compelling argument...

If you haven't yet noticed, I'm also using this post to throw up a lot of random pics that I've found and enjoyed. If you don't like it, I recommend you click here and go somewhere else on the interwebs as I plan on continuing to scatter unrelated items throughout the remainder of this post. This is what happens when I post while I'm sick, the fever germs get into my brain and things get rather mixed up. My attention span is short enough but when I'm sick... hehehe, I posted 3 animal pics in a row :)

Would we make fun of Catholics? Well duh! Does the Pope shit in the woods?

Sorry, where was I? Never mind, I think my germs are massing for another attack. I gonna lay down back 'cause our concussion have me sleepy. Happy birthday MB. I got us all a cake to celebrate... but I ate it. It was friggin' deliciolous.

Kruddler!

-Salem
60% of the time, I work every time!

Santa's Reign(deer) of Destruction

Has this ever happened to you?

(Santa's Slay - Don't even ask...)

Ok, so having Goldberg come at you dressed like a mighty Santa-beast that is vaguely reminiscent of a lumberjack with a taste for homicide isn't the most likely of events, but still. This is the time of year that scares me. I've tried to armour up with my Solstice festivities, but this year I must spend time with my parents. That instantly kills my solstice plans as they see it as... I can't believe I have to say this... ~sigh~ a heathen ceremony. Yep, my folks are filled up with all kinds of religiosity and it grieves me.
With all this terror in mind, I'm attempting to spread some... cheer? No, that's not quite right. Perhaps "Drinking and Revenge" would be better. I present to you... From Sealab 2021:

"The Feast of Alvis"

-Salem
Moon!? Moon, you freakish bitch!

What’s new pussy-cat?

One of us has fallen. Mr. Wiggleman Fizz, The Coca-Cola Cat, Fizzy, Tiny Dancer, Mick Jagger. The Tiny Little Windy Man who loved chewing on plastic bags, chasing moths, and bringing home caterpillars, was too excited about life to look both ways and so sadly, passed away last night. Phrases like “cut down in the prime of his life” and “untimely demise” spring to mind, as do “squished guts” and “dead cat”. I knew from the moment his desire to be outside was greater than his fear of jumping out the window that it was only a matter of time.

The only positive thing you get from an experience like this is a small renewal of faith in humans. A complete stranger knocked on my door, hugged me and carried fizzy inside when it would have been easier to drive on and go home. Another complete stranger, who with tears in his eyes, explained that Fizzy had just run out in front of him, chose to stay and take responsibility for something I’m sure he would rather have pretended didn’t happen. Friends came ‘round and helped to dig his little grave. Other friends have cried and people who hardly knew him have said nice things. His Cuteness touched us all

I’m going to miss him that goes without saying. I loved that freakin’ cat so freakin’ much; anyone who knows me has been bored to the point of mindless drooling by my cat-anecdotes fueled by cat-love. This Saturday has been unofficially declared his wake, so we can all be silly and excited and chase bugs in memory of Fizzy.

I don’t believe in gods or souls or anything like that, so I guess all I can hope for Fizzy, The Good Mr. Wiggleman Fizz, is that science rots him well.

ram·bunc·tious

1. difficult to control or handle; wildly boisterous: a rambunctious child.

2. turbulently active and noisy: a social gathering that became rambunctious and out of hand.
[Origin: 1820–30, Americanism; orig. uncert.] —Related forms

ram·bunc·tious·ly, adverb
ram·bunc·tious·ness, noun

Thanks dictionary.com

Zombie Research 101

Has this ever happened to you?

Well, this was interesting. Turns out that our very own Crumples has found 5 scientific reasons a zombie apocalypse could actually happen. On the whole, I like it. Sure the people doing it aren't taking it as seriously as they could (or should), but they were kind enough to link out to a number of other articles that illustrate the points that they were making.

At this stage, I think that option 2 (Neurotoxin) is looking like a pretty viable one, but not as violent as I would have expected. Option 3 (Rage Virus) is probably the one that seems the most credible to me but it would make the zombies tough customers indeed. Nobody wants fast zombies, as the article says, they're the worst of all the zombie types.

At the end of the day, I only hope that this will inspire Kahn in just the right way for him to finally get out there and get the zombie apocalypse ball rolling.

-Salem
Better hurry up man, I turn 30 in a few more years and I want to be at my peak for this!

Beaten to the Monkey Punch!

Hey there fellow readers! I was trying hard not to post anything new until you had all finished voting on the last post (shame on those who haven't done that yet!) but when I saw this, I thought I should mention it.

I frequent Pointless Banter. It's another blog similar to ours. We link out to it and I've posted up something to point to one of the articles there before. This time though, I'm pleased to say that our very own Kahn has managed to beat Kevin off the mark. This could be because Kevin loves our blog so much that he has decided to poach one of our articles, but I think it's more likely that he has only just gotten around to covering this topic. What topic is that? Why, crazy killer monkeys in Delhi of course!

I think Kahn did it better, but then I am totally biased towards our blog. What do you think?

100 Rambles on Morally Bankrupt.

Welcome to our 100th post! It's taken us less than a year to manage this and I have to say that if it wasn't for me, there would be far less useless junk up here. Still, 100 posts is a landmark of sorts and we should make the effort to celebrate it properly. Without further ado, I give you the Morally Bankrupt posting pole!

Salem: 76 (including this post)
Kahn: 12
Frejak: 6
Crumples: 4
Kallisar: 1
Ashenphoenix: 1
Sara_Jayne: 0
Sierra Julliette: 0
Visure: 0

As you can see, I have no life at all when compared to everyone else. On the up side, we have a competition to keep us all entertained. You get 3 votes a piece for your favourite posts, use them wisely. A first place vote gets 5 points, a second place vote gets 3 and a third place vote gets 1. Just post your votes in the comments section of this post. When voting closes, I'll tally up the scores and the winner will get the highly coveted "Morally Bankrupt Plaque". Now, I know that I have an unfair advantage in that I've posted 76% of the stuff up here but fear not, if I win the prize goes to the person in second place. Please try not to vote for yourself as that's just a little tacky in my opinion. If you want to vote for the same person more than once that's fine, just not for the same post more than once. Also, if you feel that you would like to award a post with something special in the form of an honourable mention (such as "Most Pointless" or "Best Stolen Article" for example) then email those to me and I'll post them up alongside the competition results. Below is a list of all the previous posts by author, from their earliest post to their most recent.

Ashenphoenix:
A Sydney Morning Herald Article Slashdotted? Yeah. Right.

Kallisar:
Nuclear Destruction

Crumples:
For the love of sugary treats.
My Pubes Can Bend Light
The Tale Of The Ibi - A Collaborative Effort
I Walked Into A Door...

Frejak:
Machiavellian thoughts
Telephonic wonders
Delight
Only one smoke left and a full jar of Arnica
Disturbed
Frejak's rant of the week

Kahn:
Wii Moment in History
A Few too Many
MMO Update
A New Low
Happy Birthday Mum
It Begins Again
Part 1
This Week in the News
Fatty Fat Fat!!!
So I Says to Mabell I Says...
Sweet Zombie Hanuman
Quandary

Salem:
Rules of Engagement
World news and it's sad reflections.
The wonders of nothing
Dear, sweet, ZOMBIE Jesus!
Where there's Smokers, there's fire.
Personal Satisfaction
Urolagnia
When does the hurting stop?
The Prestige
Dodging the rules.
I win!
Remember the suit!
Sealab 2021
Time to get dirty
Last day
Update time
Huzzah for coffee
Mr. Crack Spider
Love-day? What the hell?
Bugatti Veyron - Breaking the Rules
Nicotine & Caffeine
Mel hacked his own Gibson!
A Personal Struggle
Death to the Sony and the media!
Versatility Plus
Paradox
Time for me to be funny again!
No Fishing
What the hell?
Just for Kahn.
What the hell is this?
J.C. isn't here man.
:D vs. D:
Whose House?
Ron's House!
Ше каи наs anфтнея cфld шая?
Only I may dance!
Another day, another... Gimme the god-damned cash!
That dog won't hunt Monsegnior.
American logic strikes again.
Fark-tastic!
Magic Hands! (and they're not mine for a change)
My new favorite attack!
Always outnumbered, never outgunned!
One more for the road...
Photosynth and Seadragon
The Ministry of Truth
Need some help?
Just a quick reminder
Rock Concert Movement #237:
Ill Niño - What Comes Around
The Red Swingline Stapler
Dead & Alive?
I are be presenting a Award!
Zombie Plan v1.0
New Blood
Say my name bitch! SAY IT!
May I redirect your attention please?
Excuse me dear, have you seen my quantum sledgehammer?
Zombie Plan v1.1
Where is your billboard now?
Death by Misadventure
Part 1.5?
World Zombie News
Video Killed the Blogger Star?
Scientific Holiday Time Approaches.
Sharp-Shooter
Dear god, why?
International Talk Like A Pirate Day
I Be Postin' Like A Pirate! Yarr!
Black Bear Attacks, Rapes, Zookeeper
Behold! 'The Kahn' Cometh!
And We're Back!
Fatass McBlobbicus
What's a Pogram anyhow?
100 Rambles on Morally Bankrupt.

Holy crap that was a lot of effort... that's like, over 100 links right there people! For those of us that didn't post, don't worry too much about it, there's always the next 100 in which to leave your mark! Anyhow, I hope you have all enjoyed your time here, be it as an active participant or just a regular reader. With any luck, this thing will keep going for a long time and you never know, one day someone the authors don't know may even read some of it. Thanks for contributing guys. I'm looking forward to a few hundred more rambles here on Morally Bankrupt.

-Salem
I'm not looking forward to having to do that every 100 posts let me tell you!

Quandary

At what point does the brain draw the line between Shadenfreude and empathy?

I'll pause here for a quick lesson:
Schadenfreude is a German word meaning 'pleasure taken from someone else's misfortune'. It has been borrowed by the English Language and it derives from Schaden (damage, harm) and Freude (joy). There is an English equivalent which is epicaricacy which is derived from the Greek epi (upon), chara (joy), and kakon (evil), but it doesn't feature much in the language anymore and you will be hard pressed to find it in a modern English dictionary.
Another phrase with a meaning similar to Schadenfreude is "morose delectation" ("delectatio morosa" in Latin), meaning "the habit of dwelling with enjoyment on evil thoughts". The medieval church taught that morose delectation is a sin.
In modern days we have been able to map images of Shadenfreude at work in the brain, and it is easy to feel the effects of the serotonin realeased, just think back to the news article of Captain Dan the Dwarf who accidently super glued his vacume cleaner to his groin.
I should mention at this time that we are balanced by the buddhist concept of mudita, "sympathetic joy" or "happiness in another's good fortune," which is an example of the opposite of schadenfreude.

Back to my orriginal questions:
With the fact that we can derive joy from others misfortune what makes our brains draw the line. I've posted several news articles now that have related to people either being in pain and embarisment like Captain Dan the Dwarf or just straight out dying. Deputy mayor of Delhi, death by monkey attack. 60 yr old woman killed by rambunctions pet cammel. Drunk guy nudes up and hops in with a bear, [surprisingly] gets eaten. Incredibly fat guy, forklifted to hospital.

All of these things highlighted schadenfreude for me, I found them hilarious. I admit I felt no simpathy for the dead or the embarised. I didn't know them and the situations were just too easy to mock.

I little while after I posted these items Salem posted a news article about a zoo keeper who went to feed a bear, the bear much like the above mentioned cammel got a little rambunctions and killed the zoo keeper. For some reason my schadenfreude didn't show, my sence of epicaricacy escaped me. I was horrified by this article, every sentence I read hammered home a feeling of revulsion and even sorrow for the poor man killed.

Why though did I feel this way. I don't know any zoo keepers, it certainly wasn't the action as I laughed at a simmilar action with the cammel. Could I not laugh at a bear related attack since i'd already posted one with a bear? Does everyone only get one? Was my schadenfreude just out of balance with my mudita? Did I need to see someone have good fortune before I could laugh at the zoo keeper?

Interestingly I mentioned this to Salem and he told me that he felt the same way about the fat guy post, he just found it repugnant.

This isn't something that I find disturbing just curious. Have you ever been in that situation, you see, read or hear something and you know others are amused by it but it just seems vulger to you?

Sweet Zombie Hanuman

For those of you who know me you know I like Monkeys. Well not monkeys themselves but the word monkeys amuses me. For that same reason Hanuman makes my brain twitch with amusement. Hanuman is the Hindu monkey god.

As such, devout Hindus believe that monkeys are the manifestation of Hanuman and will generally feed monkeys nuts and bananas when given the opportunity.

Now I know what seagulls are like when they get used to people throwing them the odd chip, I would imagine that monkeys are somewhat bolder and craftier, and they're be fed in a religious fevor, not surprising this has caused some issues.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/7055625.stm

I just can pass up a news article that starts with the statement "The deputy mayor of the Indian capital Delhi has died a day after being attacked by a horde of wild monkeys"

The second paragraph is good too, but I'll leave you to read that.

What I think I love the most though is the cities response to dealing with these wayward monkeys. Train bigger monkeys to beat up the monkeys causing a problem. How neat, how beautiful, and nothing could go wrong with the idea of training big monkeys to beat things up.

What's a Pogram anyhow?

This is just to remind us all why we love Shaun Micallef's comedy.

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

-Salem
My Lord, forgive my unworthy crack, for my pantaloons are falling down.

I Walked Into A Door...

...OR I Am Not Paid Enough To…

Yesterday I walked into a door. It was a big door, a solid door, a metal door, heavy and swinging towards me when I hit it with my noggin. It really hurt. In fact, it still does but the bruise is hidden by my hair so it’s not that impressive (damn it!). I walked into this door when I was suffering from what I can only describe as impotent rage.

I am a receptionist. I sit at the front desk and smile at rich fat cats all day. I am a phone monkey. I pick up that ringing bitch and lie about peoplesis whereabouts. I am the beverage wench. If they want a drink, I get it - water, tea, coffee, milo, beer, wine, rum - and then I even wash the dishes afterwards.

Nowhere in my job description does it say “routinely be insulted by director’s drunken brother”. Nor does it say “observe directors drunken behavior and make important decisions regarding his ability to drive, the welfare of others and the police”. I can’t find the paragraph outlining the requirement to inform clients of what I am wearing or the need to acknowledge what they would like to do to me (which most of the time is take me out for lunch, but frequently it isn’t).

So yesterday, shaking with rage as I considered the treatment that it seems I am expected to tolerate, I didn’t see the door, and smacked my self fair in the head with it.

I’m thinking of asking for a pay rise.

Fatass McBlobbicus

Not that you care, but I have to be at work in 3 hours. This is ok though since Frejak recently presented me with the Sealab 2021 DVD. To celebrate, I've been using this Hookah in a drug free way and eating fajitas. They're freakin' delicolus. It would have been better if the Shanks boys could have joined me, but since the untimely death of Achilles, Hercules, Odysseus, Perseus, and the twins Castor & Pollux, only Bellerophon could make it. Even so, we drank until we were fightin' drunk and beat the asses of the disbelievers.

Point is, I'm having a very Sealab week and so I'm off on an undersea holiday. I'll be stopping at Sealabia, Heshopolis, Sparkopolis, Pod-Sixia, Quinland, Quin-Sixia and anywhere else that looks interesting. I'll be the one eating the Shrabster. Sniff you jerks later.

-Salem
It burns with the power of shark!
...Cincinnati Hotplate.

The Tale Of The Ibi - A Collaborative Effort

By Crumples and The Masked Lara

In the beginning there was the wily Ibis, so called for his love of the Dolmio Pesto pasta sauce, and the subsequent wily ways in which he tried to obtain it.

The wily Ibis begat the Two Ibi, Wi and Ly.
Wi and Ly roamed the earth, begating here and there many an Ibi, and searching for that most elusive thing - their purpose in the world. Surly we, awash in a sea of possibilities, can empathize with the wandering Ibi and their plight. Ibi were not for eating nor for playing, they did not sing, or dance, they could not sell door to door, nor did they have the ability to ride bicycles thus they could not work as couriers or paper boys, or in fact become olympic cyclists, extreme mountain bikers or world BMX champions.

If only they knew that their sweet, sweet milk was my one and only inspiration, and that for many others like my self, uninspired and desolate, they could have become milky Ibi muses.....perhaps then the following events would not have occurred.

The milky gift of the Ibi was instead discovered by a shifty business man called Hal. Unable to feel the effects of their inspiration, as he had not a romantic or artistic bone in his body, he still realised the profitable potential of the Ibi and he milked them for their juice. The milky discharge was then aged in barrels lined with the feathers of one hundred Ibi virgins. The resulting pungent, rubbery cheese he named after himself, Hal Oumi. The cheese was sweet and the money was made, but at what cost? The Ibi could not survive the vigorous milking and, as quickly as he came, my Ibi muse disappeared, thus depriving me of ever again suckling at his feathery teat of inspiration.

How I wish I could once again make the offering of Dolmio Pesto pasta sauce. Oh, how I long to be reacquainted with his downy bosom, to be filled with and cocooned in my milky reward, to feel the soft caress of his of his hook like beak on my scalp once again. I shall not forget the Ibi, nor shall I stop singing his tale, forever more, wherever I go, I take the Ibi with me.

And We're Back!

Not that anyone would really have noticed, but most of us here at MB have been away at a wedding. Frejak, Visure, Crumples and myself have spent a rousing week down on the lovely mid-north coast of New South Wales. It was a lot of fun (and a lot of hard work) but on the whole, well worth the effort. Kahn and Kallisar joined us for the last 3 days of our stay and the wedding itself was beautiful.

Now we're all back, I expect that we'll get back to posting random things here and there, but for me personally, I'll have to get back into the swing of things before I start creating any works of genius that will echo down the halls of time. Give me time, I'm sure I'm building up to something, you'll see.

-Salem
Do you think we can get grass seeds to germinate and grow on an animated zombie?

So I Says to Mabell I Says...

Hang on a sec Lis'

My Pubes Can Bend Light

Yes, you read correctly…and it’s not as cool as it sounds.

Giving in to the little punks inside us, Salem and I embarked on a mission - code name: Awesome Hair. We had the desire all’s we needed were the tools and materials. Stupidly we listened to that long haired brunette in the conservative clothes when she said “This one is the best!” With her cute smile it was hard not to believe her, but I can say now, with the power of retrospect, we were being led into a cunning trap. Purchasing almost $100 worth of supplies we left the armament happy and, well, armed - me with a bounce in my step and a stupid grin, and Salem carrying our inventory with what I have come to know as his excited smirk.

Now I’m just gonna cut to the chase, I’m sick of this flowery descriptive language. Pretty much what happened was, we bleached our hair, me all, him some, and then stuck that stupid RUSK colour in our hair, me Rage Red him Purple Passion and that’s when we got excited because the colours looked freakin' awesome! I’m rather partial to a bit of contrast and so as a spur of the moment thing I decided to do my, ergh, pubes, yes, purple. My head hair was possibly a little redder than I was looking for but still very, very cool.

We hung out in the bathroom watching Aladdin on the lap top until it was time to rinse and that was when we realized that things might not have gone as well as we were hoping. As I rinsed the blood-red from my hair Salem said those dreaded words “Um… There is something I should tell you, um… It’s pink.” I leapt out of the shower and looked in the mirror, and there perched on top of my head was the most hideous pink beast I have ever seen. It was the kind of fluro-pink that makes children and cute puppies cry, can kill the elderly, and makes people like me vomit. I swallowed the chunks and wiped away the small piece of carrot that had escaped at the corner of my mouth. Something vile caught my attention. Poor, poor sweet Salem had been hit by the ugly hair monster as well! The sections on his head that were supposed to be “Purple Passion” had turned granny grey with patches of yellow and brown. I wiped away my tears, put on a brave face and said “No, I like yours!” He wasn’t fooled.

The stress of the ugly hair had gotten too much, we decided it was time for a smoke break, and as we were getting clothed Salem pointed at me and said, “Crumples, where have your pubes gone?” We searched around for a while. They weren’t in the cupboard under the sink, not in my jeans pocket, not hiding behind the shower gel. I was just about to search behind the couch when I felt something - something a little fuzzy - but when I looked down there was nothing there.
“Salem, check this out!” On further inspection we realized that my pubes were right where I left them, only now they were invisible. That’s right, completely invisible. If you looked away and then looked back really quickly you could catch them unawares and you might see a little shimmer, but apart from that, invisible.


Four paragraphs later (so much for that chase I was supposed to cut to) I am pleased to say, that with an injection of 10cc’s of cash Salem’s hair is now the most stunning purple and black arrangement I have ever seen, and mine is on the way back to being the kind of red that isn’t pink. I wrote a very upset email to RUSK explaining my displeasure but am yet to receive a reply. Now if I could only manage to locate my pubes…

Behold! 'The Kahn' Cometh!

Today marks the 26th year of the presence of 'The Kahn'. It is an illustrious occasion and here's a brief history of events that have foretold his greatness!

Events

• 303 - On a voyage preaching the gospel, Saint Fermin of Pamplona is beheaded in Amiens, France.
• 1066 - The Battle of Stamford Bridge marks the end of the Viking era.
• 1396 - Ottoman Emperor Bayezid I defeats a Christian army at the Battle of Nicopolis.
• 1513 - Spanish explorer Vasco Núñez de Balboa reached what would be known as the Pacific Ocean.
• 1555 - The Peace of Augsburg is signed in Augsburg by Charles V and the princes of the Schmalkaldic League.
• 1690 - "Publick Occurrences Both Foreign and Domestick", the first newspaper to appear in the Americas, is published for the first and only time.
• 1789 - The U.S. Congress passes twelve amendments to the United States Constitution: the Congressional Apportionment Amendment, the Congressional Compensation Amendment, and the ten that are known as the Bill of Rights.
• 1804 - The Teton Sioux (a subdivision of the Lakota) demand one of the boats from the Lewis and Clark Expedition as a toll for moving further upriver.
• 1846 - U.S. forces led by Zachary Taylor captured the Mexican city of Monterrey.
• 1868 - The Imperial Russian steam frigate Alexander Neuski shipwrecks off Jutland while carrying the Grand Duke of Russia.
• 1906 - In the presence of the king and before a great crowd, Leonardo Torres Quevedo successfully demonstrates the invention of the Telekino in the port of Bilbao, guiding a boat from the shore, in what is considered the birth of the Remote control.
• 1911 - Ground is broken for Fenway Park in Boston, Massachusetts.
• 1912 - Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism is founded in New York, New York.
• 1915 - The Second Battle of Champagne begins.
• 1929 - Jimmy Doolittle performs the first blind flight from Mitchel Field proving that full Instrument Flying from take off to landing is possible.
• 1955 - The Royal Jordanian Air Force is founded.
• 1957 - Central High School in Little Rock, Arkansas, is integrated through the use of United States Army troops.
• 1959 - Solomon Bandaranaike, prime minister of Sri Lanka is mortally wounded by a Buddhist monk, Talduwe Somarama, and dies the next day.
• 1962 - The People's Democratic Republic of Algeria is formally proclaimed. Ferhat Abbas is elected President of the provisional government.
• 1970 - Cease-fire between Jordan and the fedayeen ends fighting triggered by four hijackings on September 6 and 9.
• 1972 - In the Norwegian EC referendum, 1972, the people of Norway reject membership.
• 1976 - The rock band U2 forms at a meeting at drummer Larry Mullen's home.
• 1978 - PSA Flight 182, a Boeing 727-214, collides in mid-air with a Cessna 172 and crashes in San Diego, California, resulting in the deaths of 144 people.
• 1980 - The first congress of the Democratic Youth Organization of Afghanistan held in Kabul.
• 1981 - Sandra Day O'Connor was the 102nd Justice sworn in as an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States, the first woman to hold the office.
• 1983 - Long Kesh escape. 38 republican prisoners, armed with 6 handguns, hijacked a prison meals lorry and smashed their way out of HMP Maze. The largest prison escape since WWII and in British history.
• 1996 - The last of the Magdalen Asylums closes in Ireland.
• 1997 - Ultima Online, the first successful MMORPG, developed by Origin Systems, launches.
• 2002 - The Vitim event, a possible bolide impact in Siberia, Russia.
• 2003 - A magnitude-8.0 earthquake strikes just offshore of Hokkaidō, Japan.
• 2005 - Spanish Formula One racing driver Fernando Alonso becomes the youngest FIA Formula One World Champion.
• 2006 - The Louisiana Superdome reopens after 13 months of reconstruction necessitated by Hurricane Katrina.
• 2007 - Halo 3 is released on the Xbox 360 console

Births

• 1358 - Ashikaga Yoshimitsu, Japanese shogun (d. 1408)
• 1525 - Steven Borough, English explorer (d. 1584)
• 1599 - Francesco Borromini, Italian architect (d. 1667)
• 1644 - Ole Rømer, Danish astronomer (d. 1710)
• 1683 - Jean-Philippe Rameau, French composer (d. 1764)
• 1694 - Henry Pelham, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom (d. 1754)
• 1711 - Qianlong Emperor of China (d. 1799)
• 1725 - Nicolas Joseph Cugnot, French automobile pioneer (d. 1804)
• 1738 - Nicholas Van Dyke, American lawyer and President of Delaware (d. 1789)
• 1764 - Fletcher Christian, English Bounty mutineer (d. 1793)
• 1766 - Armand-Emmanuel du Plessis, Duc de Richelieu, French-Russian statesman (d. 1822)
• 1773 - Agostino Bassi, Italian entomologist (d. 1856)
• 1780 - Jason Fairbanks, American murderer (d. 1801)
• 1782 - Charles Robert Maturin, Irish playwright and novelist (d. 1824)
• 1796 - Antoine-Louis Barye, French sculptor (d. 1875)
• 1798 - Jean-Baptiste Élie de Beaumont, French geologist (d. 1874)
• 1825 - William Pitt Ballinger, Texas lawyer and statesman (d. 1888)
• 1839 - Karl Alfred von Zittel, German palaeontologist (d. 1904)
• 1862 - Billy Hughes, seventh Prime Minister of Australia (d. 1952)
• 1866 - Thomas Hunt Morgan, American geneticist, Nobel laureate (d. 1945)
• 1867 - Evgenii Miller, Russian counter-revolutionary (d. 1938)
• 1881 - Lu Xun, Chinese writer (d. 1936)
• 1889 - C. K. Scott-Moncrieff, Scottish writer and translator (d. 1930)
• 1896 - Sandro Pertini, President of the Italian Republic (d. 1990)
• 1897 - William Faulkner, American writer, Nobel laureate (d. 1962)
• 1898 - Robert Brackman American artist (d. 1980)
• 1901 - Robert Bresson, French film director (d. 1999)
• 1903 - Mark Rothko, Latvian-born painter (d. 1970)
• 1906 - Dmitri Shostakovich, Russian composer (d. 1975)
• 1917 - Phil Rizzuto, American baseball player and sportscaster (d. 2007)
• 1917 - Johnny Sain, American baseball player (d. 2006)
• 1920 - Sergei Bondarchuk, Ukrainian-born actor (d. 1994)
• 1921 - Sir Robert Muldoon, Prime Minister of New Zealand (d. 1992)
• 1922 - Hammer DeRoburt, first President of Nauru (d. 1992)
• 1925 - Paul B. MacCready, Jr., American aeronautical engineer (d. 2007)
• 1925 - Silvana Pampanini, Italian actress
• 1926 - Aldo Ray, American actor (d. 1991)
• 1927 - Sir Colin Davis, English conductor
• 1929 - Ronnie Barker, British comedian and actor (d. 2005)
• 1929 - Barbara Walters, American broadcaster
• 1930 - Shel Silverstein, American humorist and author (d. 1999)
• 1932 - Glenn Gould, Canadian pianist and composer (d. 1982)
• 1932 - Adolfo Suárez, Prime Minister of Spain
• 1933 - Hubie Brown, American basketball coach and broadcaster
• 1934 - Jean Sorel, French actor
• 1936 - Juliet Prowse, British actress and dancer (d. 1996)
• 1938 - Jonathan Motzfeldt, first Prime Minister of Greenland
• 1939 - Feroz Khan, Indian actor
• 1943 - Robert Gates, American Secretary of Defense
• 1944 - Michael Douglas, American actor and producer
• 1944 - Doris Matsui, American politician
• 1945 - Carol Vadnais, Canadian ice hockey player
• 1946 - Felicity Kendal, British actress
• 1947 - Cheryl Tiegs, American model
• 1949 - Pedro Almodóvar, Spanish filmmaker
• 1951 - Mark Hamill, American actor
• 1952 - Christopher Reeve, American actor and activist (d. 2004)
• 1952 - Gloria Jean Watkins, American scholar
• 1952 - Anson Williams, American actor and director
• 1953 - Richard Harvey, British musician and composer (Gryphon)
• 1954 - Sylvester Croom, American college football coach
• 1955 - Steven Severin, British musician (Siouxsie & the Banshees)
• 1955 - Karl-Heinz Rummenigge, German footballer
• 1955 - Ludo Coeck, Belgian footballer (d. 1985)
• 1958 - Michael Madsen, American actor
• 1960 - Igor Belanov, Ukrainian footballer
• 1960 - Sonia Benezra, Canadian television host
• 1961 - Heather Locklear, American actress and model
• 1962 - Aida Turturro, American actress
• 1964 - Anita Barone, American actress
• 1964 - Kikuko Inoue, Japanese singer and voice actress (seiyū)
• 1964 - Joey Saputo, Canadian businessman and sports executive
• 1964 - Gary Ayles, British racing driver
• 1965 - Scottie Pippen, American basketball player
• 1967 - Kim Issel, Canadian ice hockey player
• 1968 - Will Smith, American actor and rapper
• 1968 - John Worsfold, Australian rules football coach
• 1968 - Prince Johan-Friso of Orange-Nassau
• 1969 - Hansie Cronje, South African cricketer (d. 2002)
• 1969 - Catherine Zeta-Jones, Welsh actress
• 1969 - Hal Sparks, American actor
• 1969 - Heather Stewart-Whyte, British supermodel
• 1970 - Dean Ween, American musician (Ween)
• 1971 - John Lynch, American football player
• 1973 - Bridgette Wilson, American actress
• 1973 - Tijani Babangida, Nigerian footballer
• 1975 - Declan Donnelly, English television presenter (Ant and Dec)
• 1975 - Matt Hasselbeck, American football player
• 1975 - Daniel Hyde, British actor
• 1976 - Chauncey Billups, American basketball player
• 1977 - Clea DuVall, American actress
• 1977 - Wil Nieves, Puerto Rican baseball player
• 1978 - Roudolphe Douala, Cameroonian footballer
• 1978 - Ricardo Gardner, Jamaican footballer
• 1978 - Jodie Kidd, English model
• 1978 - Joel Pineiro, Puerto Rican baseball player
• 1980 - T.I., American rapper
• 1981 - Rocco Baldelli, American baseball player
• 1981 - Jason Bergmann, American baseball player
• 1981 - Shane Tutmarc, American songwriter/musician
• 1981 - Kahn, Destroyer of Worlds and Co-Conspirator of Salem.
• 1982 - Hyun Bin, South Korean actor
• 1984 - Matt Carle, American ice hockey player
• 1985 - Calvin Johnson, American football player
• 1991 - Emmy Clarke, American actress

Pretty impressive list isn't it? Hope you're having a good one Kahn. Long life and good health to you my friend.

-Salem
I'm a co-conspirator! Yay for me!