I are be presenting a Award!

Here, I present to you the winner of the San Jose State University's 2007 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, Mr. Jim Gleeson. He has mangled our language to such an extent that after reading this, you will lose 37 of your 5 senses. Permanently. I should also mention that the aim of this particular contest is to find the worst possible example of such a literary train-wreck to serve as only the first sentence of a nonexistent work of fiction. Enjoy!

Gerald began - but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten per cent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them 'permanently' meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash - to pee,

The only positive thing about this is that he had to try to do such damage. In fact, this was one of 20 entries that he submitted. The most disheartening however is that teenagers these days would still find it perfectly acceptable. I weep for the future. Did I remember to mention that the 37 senses you just lost was permanent, and that permanent does not mean just for the next 10 minutes?

-Salem
At least it wasn't written in 'Contracted Text Message' or I'd have killed myself.