My Pubes Can Bend Light

Yes, you read correctly…and it’s not as cool as it sounds.

Giving in to the little punks inside us, Salem and I embarked on a mission - code name: Awesome Hair. We had the desire all’s we needed were the tools and materials. Stupidly we listened to that long haired brunette in the conservative clothes when she said “This one is the best!” With her cute smile it was hard not to believe her, but I can say now, with the power of retrospect, we were being led into a cunning trap. Purchasing almost $100 worth of supplies we left the armament happy and, well, armed - me with a bounce in my step and a stupid grin, and Salem carrying our inventory with what I have come to know as his excited smirk.

Now I’m just gonna cut to the chase, I’m sick of this flowery descriptive language. Pretty much what happened was, we bleached our hair, me all, him some, and then stuck that stupid RUSK colour in our hair, me Rage Red him Purple Passion and that’s when we got excited because the colours looked freakin' awesome! I’m rather partial to a bit of contrast and so as a spur of the moment thing I decided to do my, ergh, pubes, yes, purple. My head hair was possibly a little redder than I was looking for but still very, very cool.

We hung out in the bathroom watching Aladdin on the lap top until it was time to rinse and that was when we realized that things might not have gone as well as we were hoping. As I rinsed the blood-red from my hair Salem said those dreaded words “Um… There is something I should tell you, um… It’s pink.” I leapt out of the shower and looked in the mirror, and there perched on top of my head was the most hideous pink beast I have ever seen. It was the kind of fluro-pink that makes children and cute puppies cry, can kill the elderly, and makes people like me vomit. I swallowed the chunks and wiped away the small piece of carrot that had escaped at the corner of my mouth. Something vile caught my attention. Poor, poor sweet Salem had been hit by the ugly hair monster as well! The sections on his head that were supposed to be “Purple Passion” had turned granny grey with patches of yellow and brown. I wiped away my tears, put on a brave face and said “No, I like yours!” He wasn’t fooled.

The stress of the ugly hair had gotten too much, we decided it was time for a smoke break, and as we were getting clothed Salem pointed at me and said, “Crumples, where have your pubes gone?” We searched around for a while. They weren’t in the cupboard under the sink, not in my jeans pocket, not hiding behind the shower gel. I was just about to search behind the couch when I felt something - something a little fuzzy - but when I looked down there was nothing there.
“Salem, check this out!” On further inspection we realized that my pubes were right where I left them, only now they were invisible. That’s right, completely invisible. If you looked away and then looked back really quickly you could catch them unawares and you might see a little shimmer, but apart from that, invisible.


Four paragraphs later (so much for that chase I was supposed to cut to) I am pleased to say, that with an injection of 10cc’s of cash Salem’s hair is now the most stunning purple and black arrangement I have ever seen, and mine is on the way back to being the kind of red that isn’t pink. I wrote a very upset email to RUSK explaining my displeasure but am yet to receive a reply. Now if I could only manage to locate my pubes…