I've been away too long.

I used to spend so much of my time here. I loved having a spot to vent, act superior and in general, post up whatever I wanted. I guess it was the closest thing to a home I would expect on-line. I keep telling myself that I'll get back to it soon, but so far, I've not been very successful. I'm not stupid enough to say that with this single post, all of that is about to change. Blasting out a bunch of linguistic tricks to satisfy my own narcissism was once a way of life for me, but that was when I had jobs that I cared little about or were so easy that I could spend a large portion of my day on-line doing as I pleased.

Still, the shortcut has never left my browser and here I am. Back after more than a year and feeling something half way between nostalgia and hope. Time to have some fun and the best way to do that here is to plumb the depths of my cynicism.

I'll be starting that process as I sleep and hopefully tomorrow will yield some interesting results.

-Salem
I want more time to be scathing to others.

But What About The Coconuts?

Jonathan Corum has far to much time on his hands (come to think of it, so do I...) but for this I commend him. For was it not for his abundance of time, we might never have truly known The Airspeed Velocity of an Unladen Swallow
click bellow for the answer we have all been waiting for.

well well well, will ya looky here...

Hey, Crumples - back on the blog, been a while, hu?
I don't work now, so, you know, I don't have to fill my days with interwebs and small sculptures made out of paper clips.
I am fortunate enough to be ill. And I timed it nicely with Salems week off! So he and I have been eating corn fritters, smoking, and generally shooting the shit. That is when i'm not lying down in tiny agony from my freaking kidneys, this is when he trys to kill the robot, and guess what? he finally did it! Bravo Salem, bravo. Well, i think by the pain in my back, up time is over, i'm gonna go lie down with Snow Crash, probably fall asleep after 3 pages (damn it!) and wait till the beloved Kahn gets home and hugs me. YAY! Infact Frejak should hug me too. Not too low. Not. Too. Low.

Spiderman tattoos and why they're awesome...

Well, I'm a Spiderman fan. Not so much of the movies (although I did enjoy the first one), but the comics have always entertained me. I've even got a few classic collectible ones. I think the most fan-boy-esque Spiderman possession is a very cool Spiderman baseball jersey. With all that though, there is no way I could ever beat this guy. His tattoos are a statement of love that I could never hope to match. Take a look:

Now that is a hardcore fan right there, let me tell you! If you want more info, take a look here.

-Salem
I've finally down-graded from fan-boy to fan. Thank god for tattoo freak!

That Handsom Devil speaks about death

Fonzy & William Shatner

I want to be in a museum, stuffed in a realistic position like I'm hunting, calling someone to buy and something, way too busy to look up and see what was coming.

I want my bones kept next to somebody with cultural significance, like Fonzy or William Shatner (heh heh). Yeah, somebody famous like Gilbert Gottfreid or the dog from 'Frasier'. That caveman they found? He was a punk, I knew him in high school.

Gilbert Gottfried & The dog from 'Frasier'

-Salem
Damn That Handsome Devil!

Does today count?

Let's start by taking a closer look at the date and it's status:

February 29

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

February 29 is a date that occurs only every four years, in years evenly divisible by 4, such as 1988, 1996, 2008 or 2016 (with the exception of century years not divisible by 400, such as 1900). These are called leap years, and February 29 is the 60th day of the Gregorian calendar in such a year, with 306 days remaining until the end of that year. February 29 is also known as bissextile day or Leap Day.

Events

• 1504 - Christopher Columbus uses his knowledge of a lunar eclipse that night to convince Native Americans to provide him with supplies.
• 1704 - Queen Anne's War: French forces and Native Americans stage a raid on Deerfield, Massachusetts, killing 100 men, women, and children.
• 1712 - February 29 is followed by February 30 in Sweden, in a move to abolish the Swedish calendar for a return to the Old style.
• 1720 - Queen Ulrika Eleonora of Sweden abdicates in favour of her husband, who becomes King Frederick I.
• 1864 - American Civil War: Kilpatrick-Dahlgren Raid fails - Plans to free 15,000 Union soldiers being held near Richmond, Virginia are thwarted.
• 1892 - St. Petersburg, Florida incorporated.
• 1916 - Child labor: In South Carolina, the minimum working age for factory, mill, and mine workers is raised from twelve to fourteen years old.
• 1932 - TIME magazine features eccentric American politician William "Alfalfa" Murray on its cover after Murray stated his intention to run for President of the United States.
• 1936 - Baby Snooks, played by Fanny Brice, debuts on the radio program The Ziegfeld Follies of the Air.
• 1940 - For her role as Mammy in Gone with the Wind, Hattie McDaniel becomes the first African American to win an Academy Award.
• 1940 - Finland initiates Winter War peace negotiations
• 1940 - In a ceremony held in Berkeley, California, because of the war, physicist Ernest Lawrence receives his 1939 Nobel Prize in Physics from the Sweden's Consul General in San Francisco.
• 1944 - World War II: The Admiralty Islands are invaded in the American General Douglas MacArthur-led Operation Brewer.
• 1952 - The island of Heligoland is restored to German authority.
• 1956 - U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower announces to the nation that he is running for a second term.
• 1960 - An earthquake in Morocco kills over 3,000 people and nearly destroys Agadir in the southern part of the country.
• 1964 - In Sydney, Australian swimmer Dawn Fraser sets a new world record in the 100-meter freestyle swimming competition (58.9 seconds).
• 1972 - Vietnam War: Vietnamization - South Korea withdraws 11,000 of its 48,000 troops from Vietnam.
• 1972 - Hank Aaron becomes the first player in the history of Major League Baseball to sign a $200,000 contract.
• 1984 - Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau announces he will retire as soon as the Liberals can elect another leader.
• 1988 - South African archbishop Desmond Tutu is arrested along with 100 clergymen during a five-day anti-apartheid demonstration in Cape Town
• 1996 - Novelist Joan Collins awarded US $1 million from Random House for breach of contract.
• 1996 - A Peruvian Boeing 737 crashes in the Andes, killing 123 people.
• 2000 - Six year old Dedrick Owens shoots and kills Kayla Rolland, also six years old, at Theo J. Buell Elementary School in Mount Morris Township, Michigan.
• 2004 - Jean-Bertrand Aristide resigns as President of Haiti following popular rebel uprising.

Births

A person who was born on February 29 may be called a "leapling". In non-leap years they may celebrate their birthday on 28 February or 1 March.

For legal purposes, their legal birthdays depend on how different laws count time intervals. In England and Wales the legal birthday of a leapling is 28 February in common years (see Leap Years, above). In Taiwan the legal birthday of a leapling is also February 28 in common years. In both cases, a person born on February 29, 1980 would have legally reached 18 years old on February 28, 1998.

"If a period fixed by weeks, months, and years does not commence from the beginning of a week, month, or year, it ends with the ending of the day which proceeds the day of the last week, month, or year which corresponds to that on which it began to commence. But if there is no corresponding day in the last month, the period ends with the ending of the last day of the last month.^[2]"

There are many instances in children's literature where a person's claim to be only a quarter of their actual age turns out to be based on counting their leap-year birthdays. A similar device is used in the plot of the Gilbert and Sullivan operetta The Pirates of Penzance. Frederic, born on February 29, was apprenticed to a band of pirates until his 21st birthday, which would not arrive until he was eighty-four years old.^[3]

Holidays and observances

• Bahá'í Faith - Day 4 of Ayyám-i-Há (Intercalary Days) (in leap years only) - days in the Bahá'í calendar devoted to service and gift giving.
• Discordianism - St. Tib's Day.
• February 29 (Eastern Orthodox liturgics)
  

Notes

1. ^ Clarissa Bye, "Take the Leap Today, Girls," Sydney Morning Herald, February 29, 2004. Retrieved July 27, 2007.
2. ^ Article 121 of the Civil Code Part I General Principles of the Republic of China in effect in Taiwan.
3. ^ Not eighty-four, as the year 1900 would not be a leap year.

Ok, so there was a list of births, but it was boring as hell, so I cut it out along with the "Deaths" section. Seriously, who cares about dead people anyhow? Unless they come back as zombies, I'm pretty sure that they're not going to be causing any major trouble any time soon.

Moving right along, what is significant about today? Not much really. The average person will see about 15 to 20 of these days pass them by and will remember approximately 2 less than that. The one at the start is a definite no go as when you're 4 at the most, you just wont care and I figure that the one at the end will probably be clouded by Alzheimers or some other mentally crippling disease. I mean let's face it, most of the people on this planet already suffer from a massive case of stupidity, so I don't think that I'm making too much of a leap here.

There are two things that I do find mildly interesting about the 29th though (three if you count the Discordanisim holiday, but what do they matter?). Firstly is that in official terms, the norm seems to be that people born on the 29th have their birthday pushed to the 28th. Now I can sort of see why as it keeps their birthday in the right month and all that, but still it just doesn't quite sit right. I would prefer to celebrate on the 1st of March as that is technically closer to the actual anniversary of one's birth. Since I was born in August though, this is a moot point, so whatever.

The other thing I find curious is this tradition of women being "allowed" to propose to men on this day. What the hell? Sure this was all well and good to make a fuss over back in the archaic days when men had one set of rules and women another where matters of propriety and social acceptability were concerned, but come on, it's 2008 people! We have long since shed any pretence of social acceptability. Besides, I thought the rule was meant to be that men and women were equals now (except in areas of natural and irreconcilable biological difference) and this seems to set us all back a good 60 years or more. What the hell?

My conclusion after reviewing all my own evidence is this then: Today is special only because I've posted something up. Simple as that. I am a fair god and you are right to worship me and thank me for my beneficence. Letting you all stumble around in the darkness looking for a blog entry today is not something I would wish on anyone (except those that are deserving of my scorn) and so I have rescued you from a day of tedium and banality. Praise be to me for I have even provided the... "less wordy" among you with links to explain my glorious perspicacity!

-Salem
In another 4 years it will be Frejak or Kahn that saves you.

My g-mail is finally 1337!

'Nuff said really. My G-mail is just that good.

-Salem
Will "1337 5p34k" ever die? I sure hope so...

Sweet Zombie Hanuman

For those of you who know me you know I like Monkeys. Well not monkeys themselves but the word monkeys amuses me. For that same reason Hanuman makes my brain twitch with amusement. Hanuman is the Hindu monkey god.

As such, devout Hindus believe that monkeys are the manifestation of Hanuman and will generally feed monkeys nuts and bananas when given the opportunity.

Now I know what seagulls are like when they get used to people throwing them the odd chip, I would imagine that monkeys are somewhat bolder and craftier, and they're be fed in a religious fevor, not surprising this has caused some issues.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/7055625.stm

I just can pass up a news article that starts with the statement "The deputy mayor of the Indian capital Delhi has died a day after being attacked by a horde of wild monkeys"

The second paragraph is good too, but I'll leave you to read that.

What I think I love the most though is the cities response to dealing with these wayward monkeys. Train bigger monkeys to beat up the monkeys causing a problem. How neat, how beautiful, and nothing could go wrong with the idea of training big monkeys to beat things up.

What's a Pogram anyhow?

This is just to remind us all why we love Shaun Micallef's comedy.

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

-Salem
My Lord, forgive my unworthy crack, for my pantaloons are falling down.

Fatass McBlobbicus

Not that you care, but I have to be at work in 3 hours. This is ok though since Frejak recently presented me with the Sealab 2021 DVD. To celebrate, I've been using this Hookah in a drug free way and eating fajitas. They're freakin' delicolus. It would have been better if the Shanks boys could have joined me, but since the untimely death of Achilles, Hercules, Odysseus, Perseus, and the twins Castor & Pollux, only Bellerophon could make it. Even so, we drank until we were fightin' drunk and beat the asses of the disbelievers.

Point is, I'm having a very Sealab week and so I'm off on an undersea holiday. I'll be stopping at Sealabia, Heshopolis, Sparkopolis, Pod-Sixia, Quinland, Quin-Sixia and anywhere else that looks interesting. I'll be the one eating the Shrabster. Sniff you jerks later.

-Salem
It burns with the power of shark!
...Cincinnati Hotplate.

The Tale Of The Ibi - A Collaborative Effort

By Crumples and The Masked Lara

In the beginning there was the wily Ibis, so called for his love of the Dolmio Pesto pasta sauce, and the subsequent wily ways in which he tried to obtain it.

The wily Ibis begat the Two Ibi, Wi and Ly.
Wi and Ly roamed the earth, begating here and there many an Ibi, and searching for that most elusive thing - their purpose in the world. Surly we, awash in a sea of possibilities, can empathize with the wandering Ibi and their plight. Ibi were not for eating nor for playing, they did not sing, or dance, they could not sell door to door, nor did they have the ability to ride bicycles thus they could not work as couriers or paper boys, or in fact become olympic cyclists, extreme mountain bikers or world BMX champions.

If only they knew that their sweet, sweet milk was my one and only inspiration, and that for many others like my self, uninspired and desolate, they could have become milky Ibi muses.....perhaps then the following events would not have occurred.

The milky gift of the Ibi was instead discovered by a shifty business man called Hal. Unable to feel the effects of their inspiration, as he had not a romantic or artistic bone in his body, he still realised the profitable potential of the Ibi and he milked them for their juice. The milky discharge was then aged in barrels lined with the feathers of one hundred Ibi virgins. The resulting pungent, rubbery cheese he named after himself, Hal Oumi. The cheese was sweet and the money was made, but at what cost? The Ibi could not survive the vigorous milking and, as quickly as he came, my Ibi muse disappeared, thus depriving me of ever again suckling at his feathery teat of inspiration.

How I wish I could once again make the offering of Dolmio Pesto pasta sauce. Oh, how I long to be reacquainted with his downy bosom, to be filled with and cocooned in my milky reward, to feel the soft caress of his of his hook like beak on my scalp once again. I shall not forget the Ibi, nor shall I stop singing his tale, forever more, wherever I go, I take the Ibi with me.

My Pubes Can Bend Light

Yes, you read correctly…and it’s not as cool as it sounds.

Giving in to the little punks inside us, Salem and I embarked on a mission - code name: Awesome Hair. We had the desire all’s we needed were the tools and materials. Stupidly we listened to that long haired brunette in the conservative clothes when she said “This one is the best!” With her cute smile it was hard not to believe her, but I can say now, with the power of retrospect, we were being led into a cunning trap. Purchasing almost $100 worth of supplies we left the armament happy and, well, armed - me with a bounce in my step and a stupid grin, and Salem carrying our inventory with what I have come to know as his excited smirk.

Now I’m just gonna cut to the chase, I’m sick of this flowery descriptive language. Pretty much what happened was, we bleached our hair, me all, him some, and then stuck that stupid RUSK colour in our hair, me Rage Red him Purple Passion and that’s when we got excited because the colours looked freakin' awesome! I’m rather partial to a bit of contrast and so as a spur of the moment thing I decided to do my, ergh, pubes, yes, purple. My head hair was possibly a little redder than I was looking for but still very, very cool.

We hung out in the bathroom watching Aladdin on the lap top until it was time to rinse and that was when we realized that things might not have gone as well as we were hoping. As I rinsed the blood-red from my hair Salem said those dreaded words “Um… There is something I should tell you, um… It’s pink.” I leapt out of the shower and looked in the mirror, and there perched on top of my head was the most hideous pink beast I have ever seen. It was the kind of fluro-pink that makes children and cute puppies cry, can kill the elderly, and makes people like me vomit. I swallowed the chunks and wiped away the small piece of carrot that had escaped at the corner of my mouth. Something vile caught my attention. Poor, poor sweet Salem had been hit by the ugly hair monster as well! The sections on his head that were supposed to be “Purple Passion” had turned granny grey with patches of yellow and brown. I wiped away my tears, put on a brave face and said “No, I like yours!” He wasn’t fooled.

The stress of the ugly hair had gotten too much, we decided it was time for a smoke break, and as we were getting clothed Salem pointed at me and said, “Crumples, where have your pubes gone?” We searched around for a while. They weren’t in the cupboard under the sink, not in my jeans pocket, not hiding behind the shower gel. I was just about to search behind the couch when I felt something - something a little fuzzy - but when I looked down there was nothing there.
“Salem, check this out!” On further inspection we realized that my pubes were right where I left them, only now they were invisible. That’s right, completely invisible. If you looked away and then looked back really quickly you could catch them unawares and you might see a little shimmer, but apart from that, invisible.


Four paragraphs later (so much for that chase I was supposed to cut to) I am pleased to say, that with an injection of 10cc’s of cash Salem’s hair is now the most stunning purple and black arrangement I have ever seen, and mine is on the way back to being the kind of red that isn’t pink. I wrote a very upset email to RUSK explaining my displeasure but am yet to receive a reply. Now if I could only manage to locate my pubes…

For the love of sugary treats.

Who gives a carp (yes, CARP) about orphans? Or the thousands of people dying from diarrhea related complications? Or even tiny little skeleton kids? Not me. I care about me, and maybe some of you. So as an extension of this, the only things that get my attention are horrible tragedies that directly affect me, and maybe some of you. So it is with deep regret that I must draw your attention to possibly one of the greatest tragedies of the 21st century – Kellogg’s Pop Tarts are no longer readily available in the Australian market.

I’ve known this for a while but only recently did the true horror of the situation become clear to me. We can acquire Pop Tarts, oh yes we can, but they are imports, only for sale in a select few Australian stores and only for abominable prices. Since when did this dietary staple become an elitist food? How are sugar addicted people supposed to afford these insane prices (more than $16 for a box!) without having to take drastic measures?

“What can I do?” You may ask yourself. “I’m just one person…” but together we are many and we can accomplish things! There may not be enough Apple Cinnamon Pop Tarts in the world to save those little skeleton kids, but we can still save us!
And so I say Pop Tarts for all, not just the rich - sign this petition and fight the good fight!

http://www.gopetition.com.au/petitions/pop-tarts-australia.html

Also, I am new here…so hi!

Death by Misadventure

If I was planning on being buried, that's what I would want on my tombstone. It would be an epic work of the blackest granite with 'Death by Misadventure' in towering gold letters. The angle would be set so that in the evenings, just as the last rays of the sun pass over it, the whole of it seems to burn with an inner fire and when the moon takes the place of the sun, the pale beams catch on the myriad of hidden glyphs, highlighting the true unearthly beauty of such a statement. Yes indeed, it would be a wonder to behold and a fitting sentiment to match my somewhat strange and mysterious life.

Ok, that may be a little dramatic, but it's the kind of remark that makes you think in epic terms. You're probably wondering what I'm on about, so I'll fill you in a little. In previous centuries, particularly in the 1800's I believe, when somebody, anybody died due to either an accident or via an inexplicable occurrence, quite often their death certificate listed cause of death as 'Death by Misadventure'. I'm unsure if this practice is still in use, but with medical and forensic science advancing as it is, I find it unlikely. Anyhow, sometimes other things which may have caused a family some embarrassment or scandal (such as a family member committing suicide) would also be listed as 'Death by Misadventure'. The list of things that would become DBM on a death certificate is quite impressive and unless you know the actual way in which a person died, it can really leave you with a sense of wonder and perhaps even a little in awe of what their life must have been like for them to finally succumb to the deadly clutches of this dreaded misadventure. In a sense, they were nobler times because a misfortune such as suicide was gently nudged aside by a physician and a verdict of DBM in order to spare the family in it's time of grief. In another sense it was a golden time for murderers as with one well placed bribe to the attending physician, 'Death by a knife wound to the throat' became 'Death by Misadventure' and may never be investigated.

My point was however that it invokes a sense of the mysterious and doesn't require the mind to dwell on the horrible facts of death. I like that. I have in my family tree someone whose death was deemed to be a DBM. I have no idea if he was worth thinking about really, but I'm far more curious about his life than many of my other ancestors simply because of that. I'm sure that it was probably something like he got drunk and fell face first into his evening porridge and drowned, but because I have no way of finding out, he will always be at least a little enigmatic to my way of thinking. For now I imagine that he died during a daring raid of some Faustian pit below the earth, where evil cultists were sacrificing the fair maidens from his nearby town to unspeakably evil gods, and although he gave up his life in that unholy place, the plans of his enemies were thwarted due to his heroic efforts that brought the whole complex down upon their accursed heads.

If history had not come up with such a marvellous idea as DBM (which is simply adored by literature), I can safely say that none of it would have been even remotely as interesting as it actually is. When I die, that's what I want listed as my cause of death. I don't care if all the other grisly details are listed on an attached sheet, giving readouts of blood toxins and the various conditions of random body parts, just as long as on the short version it reads:

Name: LeSerne, Salem S.
Cause of Death: Death by Misadventure
D.O.B: 1980
Age: 35

Or something like that anyway. I think it's a vastly more dignified way to go and if I must at some point shuffle off this mortal coil, then I would at least like to do it with some style. I don't really plan on dying at all mind you, so I can assure you that my DBM won't be a hushed up suicide. Even if it was though, you're not likely to find out from my death certificate and that's the part that I'm so enamoured of. One last chance to leave people guessing.

-Salem
Life by Misadventure. Ahh the stories I could tell you!

May I redirect your attention please?

I know there are a lot of links down the side of this blog, but for the most part, there's a reason for it. Today, you have to go take a look at Pointless Banter's Gay Bomb post. It's most likely not what your thinking it is, but you need to see it. I could explain it here, but since it's already there... well you know. I'm lazy.

-Salem
Hijacking others material for my own lazy purpose.

Dead & Alive?

$4175.00The Cadaver Calculator - Find out how much your body is worth. From Mingle2 - Free Online Dating

If only I could use the promise of my own corpse as security for a car loan...

-Salem
"In case of death, burn me so I don't come back as a zombie and eat your brains."

Just a quick reminder

Thought you should all know:

I ROCK, you got that? I fuckin' ROCK!

Sweet. I feel much better knowing that you know that.

-Salem
Always outnumbered, Never outgunned.

Need some help?

Well, I have to say thanks to Sarah Jayne for this one. It really is one of the better forwards I've ever seen as is evidenced by the fact that I'm posting it up.

I must confess that given the chance to write a column that delt with this sort of thing, my responses would be fairly similar. God I love messing with people's heads!

-Salem
I wonder what happens when I put the electrodes... here!

Always outnumbered, never outgunned!

Well, we have a new guy starting today. He's Civil. I don't mean civil 'he's quite polite', I mean civil 'he's one of them'. I'm a structural drafter and in my office, that makes me a minority. There's one structural engineer/drafter and me. That's it. The other 10 or so drafters are civil. I suppose I could add the civil engineers to that, but I don't need that.

In time, I hope to elevate my singularity to a more lofty perch. I know that there's another structural guy, but he's first and foremost an engineer. What I'm hoping is that by being the only dedicated structural drafter, I will be able to pick and choose what goes on around me much like the old kings of France. I figure my blood line is pretty close so why the hell not?

Since I know that this is only for my amusement and doesn't mean much to anyone else, I've decided to sweeten the deal for you. Here's some Jessica Alba.

-Salem
Enjoy!

My new favorite attack!

You cant see this, but I'm trying as hard as I can to cockpunch you with my mind.

-Salem
Keep staring and it'll be you I try this on!