Friday 28 September 2007
Tuesday 25 September 2007
My Pubes Can Bend Light
Yes, you read correctly…and it’s not as cool as it sounds.
Giving in to the little punks inside us, Salem and I embarked on a mission - code name: Awesome Hair. We had the desire all’s we needed were the tools and materials. Stupidly we listened to that long haired brunette in the conservative clothes when she said “This one is the best!” With her cute smile it was hard not to believe her, but I can say now, with the power of retrospect, we were being led into a cunning trap. Purchasing almost $100 worth of supplies we left the armament happy and, well, armed - me with a bounce in my step and a stupid grin, and Salem carrying our inventory with what I have come to know as his excited smirk.
Now I’m just gonna cut to the chase, I’m sick of this flowery descriptive language. Pretty much what happened was, we bleached our hair, me all, him some, and then stuck that stupid RUSK colour in our hair, me Rage Red him Purple Passion and that’s when we got excited because the colours looked freakin' awesome! I’m rather partial to a bit of contrast and so as a spur of the moment thing I decided to do my, ergh, pubes, yes, purple. My head hair was possibly a little redder than I was looking for but still very, very cool.
We hung out in the bathroom watching Aladdin on the lap top until it was time to rinse and that was when we realized that things might not have gone as well as we were hoping. As I rinsed the blood-red from my hair Salem said those dreaded words “Um… There is something I should tell you, um… It’s pink.” I leapt out of the shower and looked in the mirror, and there perched on top of my head was the most hideous pink beast I have ever seen. It was the kind of fluro-pink that makes children and cute puppies cry, can kill the elderly, and makes people like me vomit. I swallowed the chunks and wiped away the small piece of carrot that had escaped at the corner of my mouth. Something vile caught my attention. Poor, poor sweet Salem had been hit by the ugly hair monster as well! The sections on his head that were supposed to be “Purple Passion” had turned granny grey with patches of yellow and brown. I wiped away my tears, put on a brave face and said “No, I like yours!” He wasn’t fooled.
The stress of the ugly hair had gotten too much, we decided it was time for a smoke break, and as we were getting clothed Salem pointed at me and said, “Crumples, where have your pubes gone?” We searched around for a while. They weren’t in the cupboard under the sink, not in my jeans pocket, not hiding behind the shower gel. I was just about to search behind the couch when I felt something - something a little fuzzy - but when I looked down there was nothing there.
“Salem, check this out!” On further inspection we realized that my pubes were right where I left them, only now they were invisible. That’s right, completely invisible. If you looked away and then looked back really quickly you could catch them unawares and you might see a little shimmer, but apart from that, invisible.
Four paragraphs later (so much for that chase I was supposed to cut to) I am pleased to say, that with an injection of 10cc’s of cash Salem’s hair is now the most stunning purple and black arrangement I have ever seen, and mine is on the way back to being the kind of red that isn’t pink. I wrote a very upset email to RUSK explaining my displeasure but am yet to receive a reply. Now if I could only manage to locate my pubes…
Giving in to the little punks inside us, Salem and I embarked on a mission - code name: Awesome Hair. We had the desire all’s we needed were the tools and materials. Stupidly we listened to that long haired brunette in the conservative clothes when she said “This one is the best!” With her cute smile it was hard not to believe her, but I can say now, with the power of retrospect, we were being led into a cunning trap. Purchasing almost $100 worth of supplies we left the armament happy and, well, armed - me with a bounce in my step and a stupid grin, and Salem carrying our inventory with what I have come to know as his excited smirk.
Now I’m just gonna cut to the chase, I’m sick of this flowery descriptive language. Pretty much what happened was, we bleached our hair, me all, him some, and then stuck that stupid RUSK colour in our hair, me Rage Red him Purple Passion and that’s when we got excited because the colours looked freakin' awesome! I’m rather partial to a bit of contrast and so as a spur of the moment thing I decided to do my, ergh, pubes, yes, purple. My head hair was possibly a little redder than I was looking for but still very, very cool.
We hung out in the bathroom watching Aladdin on the lap top until it was time to rinse and that was when we realized that things might not have gone as well as we were hoping. As I rinsed the blood-red from my hair Salem said those dreaded words “Um… There is something I should tell you, um… It’s pink.” I leapt out of the shower and looked in the mirror, and there perched on top of my head was the most hideous pink beast I have ever seen. It was the kind of fluro-pink that makes children and cute puppies cry, can kill the elderly, and makes people like me vomit. I swallowed the chunks and wiped away the small piece of carrot that had escaped at the corner of my mouth. Something vile caught my attention. Poor, poor sweet Salem had been hit by the ugly hair monster as well! The sections on his head that were supposed to be “Purple Passion” had turned granny grey with patches of yellow and brown. I wiped away my tears, put on a brave face and said “No, I like yours!” He wasn’t fooled.
The stress of the ugly hair had gotten too much, we decided it was time for a smoke break, and as we were getting clothed Salem pointed at me and said, “Crumples, where have your pubes gone?” We searched around for a while. They weren’t in the cupboard under the sink, not in my jeans pocket, not hiding behind the shower gel. I was just about to search behind the couch when I felt something - something a little fuzzy - but when I looked down there was nothing there.
“Salem, check this out!” On further inspection we realized that my pubes were right where I left them, only now they were invisible. That’s right, completely invisible. If you looked away and then looked back really quickly you could catch them unawares and you might see a little shimmer, but apart from that, invisible.
Four paragraphs later (so much for that chase I was supposed to cut to) I am pleased to say, that with an injection of 10cc’s of cash Salem’s hair is now the most stunning purple and black arrangement I have ever seen, and mine is on the way back to being the kind of red that isn’t pink. I wrote a very upset email to RUSK explaining my displeasure but am yet to receive a reply. Now if I could only manage to locate my pubes…
Behold! 'The Kahn' Cometh!
Today marks the 26th year of the presence of 'The Kahn'. It is an illustrious occasion and here's a brief history of events that have foretold his greatness!
-Salem
I'm a co-conspirator! Yay for me!
Events
- 303 - On a voyage preaching the gospel, Saint Fermin of Pamplona is beheaded in Amiens, France.
- 1066 - The Battle of Stamford Bridge marks the end of the Viking era.
- 1396 - Ottoman Emperor Bayezid I defeats a Christian army at the Battle of Nicopolis.
- 1513 - Spanish explorer Vasco Núñez de Balboa reached what would be known as the Pacific Ocean.
- 1555 - The Peace of Augsburg is signed in Augsburg by Charles V and the princes of the Schmalkaldic League.
- 1690 - "Publick Occurrences Both Foreign and Domestick", the first newspaper to appear in the Americas, is published for the first and only time.
- 1789 - The U.S. Congress passes twelve amendments to the United States Constitution: the Congressional Apportionment Amendment, the Congressional Compensation Amendment, and the ten that are known as the Bill of Rights.
- 1804 - The Teton Sioux (a subdivision of the Lakota) demand one of the boats from the Lewis and Clark Expedition as a toll for moving further upriver.
- 1846 - U.S. forces led by Zachary Taylor captured the Mexican city of Monterrey.
- 1868 - The Imperial Russian steam frigate Alexander Neuski shipwrecks off Jutland while carrying the Grand Duke of Russia.
- 1906 - In the presence of the king and before a great crowd, Leonardo Torres Quevedo successfully demonstrates the invention of the Telekino in the port of Bilbao, guiding a boat from the shore, in what is considered the birth of the Remote control.
- 1911 - Ground is broken for Fenway Park in Boston, Massachusetts.
- 1912 - Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism is founded in New York, New York.
- 1915 - The Second Battle of Champagne begins.
- 1929 - Jimmy Doolittle performs the first blind flight from Mitchel Field proving that full Instrument Flying from take off to landing is possible.
- 1955 - The Royal Jordanian Air Force is founded.
- 1957 - Central High School in Little Rock, Arkansas, is integrated through the use of United States Army troops.
- 1959 - Solomon Bandaranaike, prime minister of Sri Lanka is mortally wounded by a Buddhist monk, Talduwe Somarama, and dies the next day.
- 1962 - The People's Democratic Republic of Algeria is formally proclaimed. Ferhat Abbas is elected President of the provisional government.
- 1970 - Cease-fire between Jordan and the fedayeen ends fighting triggered by four hijackings on September 6 and 9.
- 1972 - In the Norwegian EC referendum, 1972, the people of Norway reject membership.
- 1976 - The rock band U2 forms at a meeting at drummer Larry Mullen's home.
- 1978 - PSA Flight 182, a Boeing 727-214, collides in mid-air with a Cessna 172 and crashes in San Diego, California, resulting in the deaths of 144 people.
- 1980 - The first congress of the Democratic Youth Organization of Afghanistan held in Kabul.
- 1981 - Sandra Day O'Connor was the 102nd Justice sworn in as an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States, the first woman to hold the office.
- 1983 - Long Kesh escape. 38 republican prisoners, armed with 6 handguns, hijacked a prison meals lorry and smashed their way out of HMP Maze. The largest prison escape since WWII and in British history.
- 1996 - The last of the Magdalen Asylums closes in Ireland.
- 1997 - Ultima Online, the first successful MMORPG, developed by Origin Systems, launches.
- 2002 - The Vitim event, a possible bolide impact in Siberia, Russia.
- 2003 - A magnitude-8.0 earthquake strikes just offshore of Hokkaidō, Japan.
- 2005 - Spanish Formula One racing driver Fernando Alonso becomes the youngest FIA Formula One World Champion.
- 2006 - The Louisiana Superdome reopens after 13 months of reconstruction necessitated by Hurricane Katrina.
- 2007 - Halo 3 is released on the Xbox 360 console
Births
- 1358 - Ashikaga Yoshimitsu, Japanese shogun (d. 1408)
- 1525 - Steven Borough, English explorer (d. 1584)
- 1599 - Francesco Borromini, Italian architect (d. 1667)
- 1644 - Ole Rømer, Danish astronomer (d. 1710)
- 1683 - Jean-Philippe Rameau, French composer (d. 1764)
- 1694 - Henry Pelham, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom (d. 1754)
- 1711 - Qianlong Emperor of China (d. 1799)
- 1725 - Nicolas Joseph Cugnot, French automobile pioneer (d. 1804)
- 1738 - Nicholas Van Dyke, American lawyer and President of Delaware (d. 1789)
- 1764 - Fletcher Christian, English Bounty mutineer (d. 1793)
- 1766 - Armand-Emmanuel du Plessis, Duc de Richelieu, French-Russian statesman (d. 1822)
- 1773 - Agostino Bassi, Italian entomologist (d. 1856)
- 1780 - Jason Fairbanks, American murderer (d. 1801)
- 1782 - Charles Robert Maturin, Irish playwright and novelist (d. 1824)
- 1796 - Antoine-Louis Barye, French sculptor (d. 1875)
- 1798 - Jean-Baptiste Élie de Beaumont, French geologist (d. 1874)
- 1825 - William Pitt Ballinger, Texas lawyer and statesman (d. 1888)
- 1839 - Karl Alfred von Zittel, German palaeontologist (d. 1904)
- 1862 - Billy Hughes, seventh Prime Minister of Australia (d. 1952)
- 1866 - Thomas Hunt Morgan, American geneticist, Nobel laureate (d. 1945)
- 1867 - Evgenii Miller, Russian counter-revolutionary (d. 1938)
- 1881 - Lu Xun, Chinese writer (d. 1936)
- 1889 - C. K. Scott-Moncrieff, Scottish writer and translator (d. 1930)
- 1896 - Sandro Pertini, President of the Italian Republic (d. 1990)
- 1897 - William Faulkner, American writer, Nobel laureate (d. 1962)
- 1898 - Robert Brackman American artist (d. 1980)
- 1901 - Robert Bresson, French film director (d. 1999)
- 1903 - Mark Rothko, Latvian-born painter (d. 1970)
- 1906 - Dmitri Shostakovich, Russian composer (d. 1975)
- 1917 - Phil Rizzuto, American baseball player and sportscaster (d. 2007)
- 1917 - Johnny Sain, American baseball player (d. 2006)
- 1920 - Sergei Bondarchuk, Ukrainian-born actor (d. 1994)
- 1921 - Sir Robert Muldoon, Prime Minister of New Zealand (d. 1992)
- 1922 - Hammer DeRoburt, first President of Nauru (d. 1992)
- 1925 - Paul B. MacCready, Jr., American aeronautical engineer (d. 2007)
- 1925 - Silvana Pampanini, Italian actress
- 1926 - Aldo Ray, American actor (d. 1991)
- 1927 - Sir Colin Davis, English conductor
- 1929 - Ronnie Barker, British comedian and actor (d. 2005)
- 1929 - Barbara Walters, American broadcaster
- 1930 - Shel Silverstein, American humorist and author (d. 1999)
- 1932 - Glenn Gould, Canadian pianist and composer (d. 1982)
- 1932 - Adolfo Suárez, Prime Minister of Spain
- 1933 - Hubie Brown, American basketball coach and broadcaster
- 1934 - Jean Sorel, French actor
- 1936 - Juliet Prowse, British actress and dancer (d. 1996)
- 1938 - Jonathan Motzfeldt, first Prime Minister of Greenland
- 1939 - Feroz Khan, Indian actor
- 1943 - Robert Gates, American Secretary of Defense
- 1944 - Michael Douglas, American actor and producer
- 1944 - Doris Matsui, American politician
- 1945 - Carol Vadnais, Canadian ice hockey player
- 1946 - Felicity Kendal, British actress
- 1947 - Cheryl Tiegs, American model
- 1949 - Pedro Almodóvar, Spanish filmmaker
- 1951 - Mark Hamill, American actor
- 1952 - Christopher Reeve, American actor and activist (d. 2004)
- 1952 - Gloria Jean Watkins, American scholar
- 1952 - Anson Williams, American actor and director
- 1953 - Richard Harvey, British musician and composer (Gryphon)
- 1954 - Sylvester Croom, American college football coach
- 1955 - Steven Severin, British musician (Siouxsie & the Banshees)
- 1955 - Karl-Heinz Rummenigge, German footballer
- 1955 - Ludo Coeck, Belgian footballer (d. 1985)
- 1958 - Michael Madsen, American actor
- 1960 - Igor Belanov, Ukrainian footballer
- 1960 - Sonia Benezra, Canadian television host
- 1961 - Heather Locklear, American actress and model
- 1962 - Aida Turturro, American actress
- 1964 - Anita Barone, American actress
- 1964 - Kikuko Inoue, Japanese singer and voice actress (seiyū)
- 1964 - Joey Saputo, Canadian businessman and sports executive
- 1964 - Gary Ayles, British racing driver
- 1965 - Scottie Pippen, American basketball player
- 1967 - Kim Issel, Canadian ice hockey player
- 1968 - Will Smith, American actor and rapper
- 1968 - John Worsfold, Australian rules football coach
- 1968 - Prince Johan-Friso of Orange-Nassau
- 1969 - Hansie Cronje, South African cricketer (d. 2002)
- 1969 - Catherine Zeta-Jones, Welsh actress
- 1969 - Hal Sparks, American actor
- 1969 - Heather Stewart-Whyte, British supermodel
- 1970 - Dean Ween, American musician (Ween)
- 1971 - John Lynch, American football player
- 1973 - Bridgette Wilson, American actress
- 1973 - Tijani Babangida, Nigerian footballer
- 1975 - Declan Donnelly, English television presenter (Ant and Dec)
- 1975 - Matt Hasselbeck, American football player
- 1975 - Daniel Hyde, British actor
- 1976 - Chauncey Billups, American basketball player
- 1977 - Clea DuVall, American actress
- 1977 - Wil Nieves, Puerto Rican baseball player
- 1978 - Roudolphe Douala, Cameroonian footballer
- 1978 - Ricardo Gardner, Jamaican footballer
- 1978 - Jodie Kidd, English model
- 1978 - Joel Pineiro, Puerto Rican baseball player
- 1980 - T.I., American rapper
- 1981 - Rocco Baldelli, American baseball player
- 1981 - Jason Bergmann, American baseball player
- 1981 - Shane Tutmarc, American songwriter/musician
- 1981 - Kahn, Destroyer of Worlds and Co-Conspirator of Salem.
- 1982 - Hyun Bin, South Korean actor
- 1984 - Matt Carle, American ice hockey player
- 1985 - Calvin Johnson, American football player
- 1991 - Emmy Clarke, American actress
-Salem
I'm a co-conspirator! Yay for me!
Monday 24 September 2007
Black Bear Attacks, Rapes, Zookeeper
Here's a little dog-bites-man tale we couldn't resist! Except replace "dog" with "850-pound black bear"! And "bites" with "anally violate"!
Yes, last Saturday a zookeeper at the Metropolitan Zoo had "claws" for alarm when he was attacked and raped by the same black bear he had raised from a cub! Geez, talk about gratitude!
"It was horrible, just horrible," sobbed an eyewitness. Guess she sure got an eyeful!
The bear, named "Barry," attacked zookeeper Ron Gilks as Gilks entered the cage to give him dinner. Barry lunged at his throat, goring him with his huge claws and razor-sharp teeth. Some of the claw marks were three-quarters of an inch deep. Ouch!
Then, astonished onlookers could "bearly" believe what happened next - Barry began to brutally rape zookeeper Gilks!
Frantic zookeepers rushed for rifles as others tried to divert the bear. But there was no stopping Barry! This bear kept "bearing down," and Gilks just had to grin and "bear" it! Maybe Barry was mistaking him for his "honey"!
Gilks was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital. A full quart of bear semen was extracted from his ruptured chest cavity. And that's no small Boo-Boo!
Barry's 27-inch phallus, armed with guard hairs as sharp as red-hot needles, shot through Gilks' rectum, shattered his lower spine and skewered his colon, causing his entire lower torso to "cave" in! Yikes! Bet that wasn't the type of "cave" you had in mind when you took up zookeeping, Mr. Gilks!
And can you imagine Gilks' surprise when Barry's putrid ursine semen flooded his ruptured chest cavity? (By the way, Mr. Gilks, whatever cologne you've been wearing, where can the public get some?)
Finally, zookeeper Eric Pulliam shot Barry with a tranquilizer gun and pulled Gilks from the cage. The unconscious bear was later destroyed. Hey, this "Yogi" made a major "Boo-Boo"!
"I have worked with dangerous animals before," zoo director Kate Donegal said. "But never have I seen any animal sexually assault a human being." "Barry"? Try "Scary"!
Meanwhile, Gilks was pronounced dead at an area hospital - but at least he died grinning and bearing it! No doubt, this episode gives new meaning to the term, "Do not feed the bears!"
Copyright 1996 ONION, INC., All Rights Reserved.
I was thinking of making a few jokes here myself, but honestly, what more could I say? What I can't fathom is why a story like this was taken down... go figure. Ahh well, here is the one place I know that you can still find it with any sort of reliable ease.
-Salem
Bearly containing the laughter inside. Tragic.
Friday 21 September 2007
Fatty Fat Fat!!!
In the news, firefighters in Lansing, Michigan used a forklift to remove a 900-pound man from his home. For those of you who couldn't be bothered converting, thats 410 Kg.
http://www.clickondetroit.com/news/14147898/detail.html
Now just to put things in perspective, i'm a fat guy. At 6'5" i'm also a tall guy. Which means I have space to hide the fat before it becomes noticable that I carry a lot of weight. I weigh 130 Kg and it's noticable that i'm overweight.
That aside it's not the guys weight (at least not just the guys weight) that has made me want to comment on this item of news. After all the man has Prader-Willi Syndrome, and that makes him feel hungry all the time. Yes he new and could have done more, eaten better, worked off what he would eat with excersise, but i'm willing to cut him a little more slack then I normally would.
Still, there is plenty of humor to be found in this story.
My favorite part is the nurse who called firefighters because, in her professional opinion, the 900-pound man “needed medical help.” Kudos to her. A lesser nurse might have missed the signs.
The man’s brother believes the 900-pound man used his credit card to have food delivered. I wonder how the delivery guy felt. I don’t mean to be cruel, but in that situation, is there any way to NOT feel like Han Solo visiting Jabba the Hutt? And how do you hand a pizza to a 900-pound guy? I’m no hero; I think I’d toss the food in his general direction, scream like a little girl, and jump out the second-story window. That’s how I roll.
And what is up with the pizza place that presumably delivered to him five times a day? Did it ever concern them that their Customer of the Month was two pizzas away from creating an event horizon in his bowels?
"Hey mister McCaul, got your pizza here."
"Just throw it into my gravity field I can't get up at the moment, I need to take a crap and each one weighs as much as a thousand suns."
Sure we may have found dark matter to fuel intergalactic travel but at what cost?
One of the neighbors was interviewed by the press. Her name is Cresha Outlaw. That’s right, her name is Outlaw. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH LANSING, MICHIGAN??? I’m not finding anything in this story that is making me want to visit. As for Ms Outlaw, I can't even fathom why they spoke with her, all she said was "I had no idea". I could have said that.
This is the sort of publicity that makes it hard to recruit firemen. It’s a noble profession, but there’s nothing good that happens after your boss says, “Kenny, get the forklift and a tarp"
I feel sorry for firemen in general. Every western society seems to have the same break up:
Ambulance - You guys get to deal with all the sick/injured people.
ambulance guys "makes sence it's what we trained for."
Police - You guys get to deal with all aspects of law breaking and some basic dispute resulution, yes even the dumb ass drunks.
police guys "can we hold our gun sideways to make it look cooler?"
Firemen - You get to drive around putting out fires in a big ass truck, you have to run into buildings that everyone else is fleeing and every instict you have is telling you "wrong way - go back!"
fire guys "Well it does sound fun, and we get to slide down those polls right?"
We haven't finished yet. You also have the smallest budget. You also have to get all the stupid jobs, if a cat is stuck up a tree you'll be there. If a possum falls down a drain pipe, you'll be there. If a tree falls on a house, you'll be there. If a fat guy needs to be cut out of his house, you'll be there. Basically if we don't know who to call, you get to fix it.
http://www.clickondetroit.com/news/14147898/detail.html
Now just to put things in perspective, i'm a fat guy. At 6'5" i'm also a tall guy. Which means I have space to hide the fat before it becomes noticable that I carry a lot of weight. I weigh 130 Kg and it's noticable that i'm overweight.
That aside it's not the guys weight (at least not just the guys weight) that has made me want to comment on this item of news. After all the man has Prader-Willi Syndrome, and that makes him feel hungry all the time. Yes he new and could have done more, eaten better, worked off what he would eat with excersise, but i'm willing to cut him a little more slack then I normally would.
Still, there is plenty of humor to be found in this story.
My favorite part is the nurse who called firefighters because, in her professional opinion, the 900-pound man “needed medical help.” Kudos to her. A lesser nurse might have missed the signs.
The man’s brother believes the 900-pound man used his credit card to have food delivered. I wonder how the delivery guy felt. I don’t mean to be cruel, but in that situation, is there any way to NOT feel like Han Solo visiting Jabba the Hutt? And how do you hand a pizza to a 900-pound guy? I’m no hero; I think I’d toss the food in his general direction, scream like a little girl, and jump out the second-story window. That’s how I roll.
And what is up with the pizza place that presumably delivered to him five times a day? Did it ever concern them that their Customer of the Month was two pizzas away from creating an event horizon in his bowels?
"Hey mister McCaul, got your pizza here."
"Just throw it into my gravity field I can't get up at the moment, I need to take a crap and each one weighs as much as a thousand suns."
Sure we may have found dark matter to fuel intergalactic travel but at what cost?
One of the neighbors was interviewed by the press. Her name is Cresha Outlaw. That’s right, her name is Outlaw. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH LANSING, MICHIGAN??? I’m not finding anything in this story that is making me want to visit. As for Ms Outlaw, I can't even fathom why they spoke with her, all she said was "I had no idea". I could have said that.
This is the sort of publicity that makes it hard to recruit firemen. It’s a noble profession, but there’s nothing good that happens after your boss says, “Kenny, get the forklift and a tarp"
I feel sorry for firemen in general. Every western society seems to have the same break up:
Ambulance - You guys get to deal with all the sick/injured people.
ambulance guys "makes sence it's what we trained for."
Police - You guys get to deal with all aspects of law breaking and some basic dispute resulution, yes even the dumb ass drunks.
police guys "can we hold our gun sideways to make it look cooler?"
Firemen - You get to drive around putting out fires in a big ass truck, you have to run into buildings that everyone else is fleeing and every instict you have is telling you "wrong way - go back!"
fire guys "Well it does sound fun, and we get to slide down those polls right?"
We haven't finished yet. You also have the smallest budget. You also have to get all the stupid jobs, if a cat is stuck up a tree you'll be there. If a possum falls down a drain pipe, you'll be there. If a tree falls on a house, you'll be there. If a fat guy needs to be cut out of his house, you'll be there. Basically if we don't know who to call, you get to fix it.
For the love of sugary treats.
Who gives a carp (yes, CARP) about orphans? Or the thousands of people dying from diarrhea related complications? Or even tiny little skeleton kids? Not me. I care about me, and maybe some of you. So as an extension of this, the only things that get my attention are horrible tragedies that directly affect me, and maybe some of you. So it is with deep regret that I must draw your attention to possibly one of the greatest tragedies of the 21st century – Kellogg’s Pop Tarts are no longer readily available in the Australian market.
I’ve known this for a while but only recently did the true horror of the situation become clear to me. We can acquire Pop Tarts, oh yes we can, but they are imports, only for sale in a select few Australian stores and only for abominable prices. Since when did this dietary staple become an elitist food? How are sugar addicted people supposed to afford these insane prices (more than $16 for a box!) without having to take drastic measures?
“What can I do?” You may ask yourself. “I’m just one person…” but together we are many and we can accomplish things! There may not be enough Apple Cinnamon Pop Tarts in the world to save those little skeleton kids, but we can still save us!
And so I say Pop Tarts for all, not just the rich - sign this petition and fight the good fight!
http://www.gopetition.com.au/petitions/pop-tarts-australia.html
Also, I am new here…so hi!
I’ve known this for a while but only recently did the true horror of the situation become clear to me. We can acquire Pop Tarts, oh yes we can, but they are imports, only for sale in a select few Australian stores and only for abominable prices. Since when did this dietary staple become an elitist food? How are sugar addicted people supposed to afford these insane prices (more than $16 for a box!) without having to take drastic measures?
“What can I do?” You may ask yourself. “I’m just one person…” but together we are many and we can accomplish things! There may not be enough Apple Cinnamon Pop Tarts in the world to save those little skeleton kids, but we can still save us!
And so I say Pop Tarts for all, not just the rich - sign this petition and fight the good fight!
http://www.gopetition.com.au/petitions/pop-tarts-australia.html
Also, I am new here…so hi!
Wednesday 19 September 2007
I Be Postin' Like A Pirate! Yarr!
So it be International Talk Like a Pirate Day. This be a good thing. Me whole office has been Pirate-a-fied, from the buxom young lass at reception to the bilge-rats down below deck. I have me flint-locks and cutlass with me and the Jolly Roger is flyin' high above me desk, yarr!
I hope all you lubbers out there got to enjoy the day as much as me and me crew here have been. It's good to be the Pirate King!
The lass in reception can count herself lucky too. I were goin' to post her picture up here, but knowin' she's not up for those kinds of shenanigans, I be decidin' against that course of action. Yarr, 'tis a shame, she's a comely lass...
-Cap'n Salem
Later, I'll be seein' if I can get me hands on that reception lass' booty! Yarr!
I hope all you lubbers out there got to enjoy the day as much as me and me crew here have been. It's good to be the Pirate King!
The lass in reception can count herself lucky too. I were goin' to post her picture up here, but knowin' she's not up for those kinds of shenanigans, I be decidin' against that course of action. Yarr, 'tis a shame, she's a comely lass...
-Cap'n Salem
Later, I'll be seein' if I can get me hands on that reception lass' booty! Yarr!
Monday 17 September 2007
International Talk Like A Pirate Day
My pirate name is:
Bloody Salem Read
Every pirate lives for something different. For some, it's the open sea. For others (the masochists), it's the food. For you, it's definitely the fighting. Even through many pirates have a reputation for not being the brightest souls on earth, you defy the sterotypes. You've got taste and education. Arr!
Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network
-Captain Salem
Yarr! We be supportin' this here event!
Saturday 8 September 2007
Dear god, why?
Well, it's close enough to 2am and I can't sleep. Brilliant. I have to get up at 6:30am to get ready for work (yes, I'm working through my second Saturday in a row) and I don't like my chances. Since I have time, a laptop and nothing better to do, I thought I'd throw something up.
On November 3rd myself, JZ, Frejak and possibly Kahn (if he's interested) will be going to The Black Crusade. Arch Enemy are opening (good for them), Machine Head are headlining (w00t! Probably the last time we'll get the chance to see them here in Australia) and the best part... Tivium are filling the middle slot on the bill. This is good news for me since Demoniak got me interested in Trivum a little while ago and I've since become quite a fan. In case you were wondering why, this little clip of Matt and Cory playing the solo from 'In The Fire' should answer any questions you may have.
How freakin' sweet are Matt's 'tasty licks'? It's like his fingers are made of some kind of lightning and they're greased with maple syrup! That's how sweet it is! Anyhow, I'm looking forward to it. Should be a lot of fun.
-Salem
If only I had some kind of musical talent... or in fact any kind of talent.
On November 3rd myself, JZ, Frejak and possibly Kahn (if he's interested) will be going to The Black Crusade. Arch Enemy are opening (good for them), Machine Head are headlining (w00t! Probably the last time we'll get the chance to see them here in Australia) and the best part... Tivium are filling the middle slot on the bill. This is good news for me since Demoniak got me interested in Trivum a little while ago and I've since become quite a fan. In case you were wondering why, this little clip of Matt and Cory playing the solo from 'In The Fire' should answer any questions you may have.
How freakin' sweet are Matt's 'tasty licks'? It's like his fingers are made of some kind of lightning and they're greased with maple syrup! That's how sweet it is! Anyhow, I'm looking forward to it. Should be a lot of fun.
-Salem
If only I had some kind of musical talent... or in fact any kind of talent.
Thursday 6 September 2007
Frejak's rant of the week
well yeah I know I know its been bloody ages since I've posted on here.
but its times like this when on my second last night shift of a crappy job when I've had 5 phone calls since 1:30 bloody pm and its now 8pm.
*grin* but hey I'm only whinging and all the guys know exactly what I'm talking about as all I've done this week is whine about it. so not a huge conversationalist this week unfortunately.
so apart from that, getting ready for my sisters wedding which is coming up really soon - one month exactly today actually - and have discovered that there is actually only one thing that I am petrified of happening. and unfortunately that happens to be my brother.
Not everyone would really much about him apart from the fact that he’s generally an arsehat. Which is true mind you, completely true but he also happens to have a weird mental thing that happens whenever he’s around his wife – evil whore beast. Over the past year or so this mental leap that he makes from one personality to another has been reducing until pretty much constantly now he’s an arsehat.
I found out while visiting my folks the other weekend that he would be going there for the wedding early. The concern lies in the fact that I’m petrified that he is going to do something or say something that is going to majorly piss someone off. The worst thing is I know that he will, cause he seems to get an extreme delight in trying to cause trouble for everyone else around and turning it so it makes him look like the victim.
This does not bode well for the week upcoming the wedding, where the original plan was fun and enjoyment with abundance of water fights and grass sliding, I’m finding myself now in a situation where I’m going to be having to mentally fence with my brother the entire time to keep my sister sane, my friends from wanting to deck him and myself from wanting to beat his brains in.
My mum keeps trying to tell me to try and understand it from his perspective, that
1. He has a stressful job – well big fucking deal, boo hoo have a cry
2. That he’s about to be a dad – and my sister is carrying a watermelon under her shirt, she’s not really pregnant
3. That he hasn’t had time to adjust to my sister or myself yet – he hasn’t said happy birthday or given my sister a birthday present for over 10 years and he still has in his head that I’m 12 years old and treats me as such
4. That he feels left out and not included by us – build a fucking bridge!!!! Get off the computer, get off your arse and actually want to spend time with us instead of if we want to see him we have to work around his schedule and go to frellin Chermside all the time. Heaven forbid he actually come to visit us, that would just be to much wouldn’t it.
So heres my problem, after all that yes I’m finally getting to it. He’s going to say or do something thats going to be bloody snide about someone/to someone and then they are going to turn around and tell them to fuck off. Which in all truth is well deserved and rightly so. Then he’s going to turn around and start having a fucking cry to mum and dad and just have the biggest whinge in the entire world.
I’m not saying that if something happens then whoever is on the receiving end should pull him up on it and say “hey mate that was a bit fuckin uncalled for”. Cause hey even if nothing happens he will still end up calling my folks after the wedding to have a cry. You wonder sometimes if he really is 32 don’t you.
I think my major concern comes from knowing that my best mates are all going to be down there starting from the beginning and more arriving later in the week. And you know the feeling where you’re inviting people to go somewhere and you’re so worried that they’ll hate it even though you know its stupid at the same time. I just don’t want my brother to make any of them feel even for the slightest second uncomfortable in any way. But then thats just the annoying part of my personality coming out that wants to make sure people are happy and having fun. I know already anyone reading this will probably be thinking “Damn Frejak you need a forehead slap” but hey, I’m quite happy to admit that my family for me is my main and fullest insecurity. They are now and I feel they always will be, plus everyone has at least one whether they like to admit it or not.
So heres my plan, let him be a fuckstick, spend a fantastic week with my best mates, have shenanigans, get drunk, slide down some grass hills on cardboard, help my sister get married with the least amount of fuss as possible and have fun. Theres the plan and lets hope I can stick to it.
..................or maybe get a larger drum for burning that will go with the nice big hole that we dug earlier just in case I actually decide to assist in finalising my brothers demise.
but its times like this when on my second last night shift of a crappy job when I've had 5 phone calls since 1:30 bloody pm and its now 8pm.
*grin* but hey I'm only whinging and all the guys know exactly what I'm talking about as all I've done this week is whine about it. so not a huge conversationalist this week unfortunately.
so apart from that, getting ready for my sisters wedding which is coming up really soon - one month exactly today actually - and have discovered that there is actually only one thing that I am petrified of happening. and unfortunately that happens to be my brother.
Not everyone would really much about him apart from the fact that he’s generally an arsehat. Which is true mind you, completely true but he also happens to have a weird mental thing that happens whenever he’s around his wife – evil whore beast. Over the past year or so this mental leap that he makes from one personality to another has been reducing until pretty much constantly now he’s an arsehat.
I found out while visiting my folks the other weekend that he would be going there for the wedding early. The concern lies in the fact that I’m petrified that he is going to do something or say something that is going to majorly piss someone off. The worst thing is I know that he will, cause he seems to get an extreme delight in trying to cause trouble for everyone else around and turning it so it makes him look like the victim.
This does not bode well for the week upcoming the wedding, where the original plan was fun and enjoyment with abundance of water fights and grass sliding, I’m finding myself now in a situation where I’m going to be having to mentally fence with my brother the entire time to keep my sister sane, my friends from wanting to deck him and myself from wanting to beat his brains in.
My mum keeps trying to tell me to try and understand it from his perspective, that
1. He has a stressful job – well big fucking deal, boo hoo have a cry
2. That he’s about to be a dad – and my sister is carrying a watermelon under her shirt, she’s not really pregnant
3. That he hasn’t had time to adjust to my sister or myself yet – he hasn’t said happy birthday or given my sister a birthday present for over 10 years and he still has in his head that I’m 12 years old and treats me as such
4. That he feels left out and not included by us – build a fucking bridge!!!! Get off the computer, get off your arse and actually want to spend time with us instead of if we want to see him we have to work around his schedule and go to frellin Chermside all the time. Heaven forbid he actually come to visit us, that would just be to much wouldn’t it.
So heres my problem, after all that yes I’m finally getting to it. He’s going to say or do something thats going to be bloody snide about someone/to someone and then they are going to turn around and tell them to fuck off. Which in all truth is well deserved and rightly so. Then he’s going to turn around and start having a fucking cry to mum and dad and just have the biggest whinge in the entire world.
I’m not saying that if something happens then whoever is on the receiving end should pull him up on it and say “hey mate that was a bit fuckin uncalled for”. Cause hey even if nothing happens he will still end up calling my folks after the wedding to have a cry. You wonder sometimes if he really is 32 don’t you.
I think my major concern comes from knowing that my best mates are all going to be down there starting from the beginning and more arriving later in the week. And you know the feeling where you’re inviting people to go somewhere and you’re so worried that they’ll hate it even though you know its stupid at the same time. I just don’t want my brother to make any of them feel even for the slightest second uncomfortable in any way. But then thats just the annoying part of my personality coming out that wants to make sure people are happy and having fun. I know already anyone reading this will probably be thinking “Damn Frejak you need a forehead slap” but hey, I’m quite happy to admit that my family for me is my main and fullest insecurity. They are now and I feel they always will be, plus everyone has at least one whether they like to admit it or not.
So heres my plan, let him be a fuckstick, spend a fantastic week with my best mates, have shenanigans, get drunk, slide down some grass hills on cardboard, help my sister get married with the least amount of fuss as possible and have fun. Theres the plan and lets hope I can stick to it.
..................or maybe get a larger drum for burning that will go with the nice big hole that we dug earlier just in case I actually decide to assist in finalising my brothers demise.
Wednesday 5 September 2007
Sharp-Shooter
I'm not planning on putting up too many vids, but this one is pretty damn good. If I could do this sort of thing, the world would be a much better place. Check it out.
-Salem
Worship at the alter of precision!
-Salem
Worship at the alter of precision!
Saturday 1 September 2007
Scientific Holiday Time Approaches.
Yes, it's getting close to that time of year again. The Spring (or Vernal if you prefer) Equinox is fast approaching. This year, it will be on September 23rd at 19:51 (7:51pm) local Brisbane time.
I'm predicting that it really will be a good year for both Kahn and myself as we've both managed a cosmic event around our birthdays. I'm not saying that the stars guide your destiny, far from it in fact, but when something cool like an Equinox in Kahn's case or a blood moon in my own happen to coincide with your birthday, it's the perfect opportunity to use it as proof of your divinity to a tribe of savages that you can then bend to your will.
I have chosen a lovely moon-worshiping gypsy tribe to roam the countryside enforcing my laws and whims. They seem quite taken with my crystal clear hazel eyes, impeccable night-vision and of course my piercing gaze that can cut deep into their souls. I'm sure that my speed and agility have been quite helpful in promoting the belief that I can also turn into a large black panther to punish the wicked and rend the souls of the forsaken asunder.
Kahn no doubt will be able to use his commanding voice and grand stature to set himself up as a deity of balance and ensure a similarly spectacular reaction from whichever tribe he deems worthy to honor him. Since Equinox is always a day of equal day and night, perhaps he could even spilt the tribe and have those that worship his benevolence in the daylight and those that pursue his evil schemes under the cloak of night. Either way, he has my best wishes in his endeavours. Perhaps we can get together and have a cross-tribal clam-bake or something in honor of our magnificence.
So, until next time dear readers, watch the night sky and enjoy your Equinox.
-Salem
Why be kings when we can be gods?
I'm predicting that it really will be a good year for both Kahn and myself as we've both managed a cosmic event around our birthdays. I'm not saying that the stars guide your destiny, far from it in fact, but when something cool like an Equinox in Kahn's case or a blood moon in my own happen to coincide with your birthday, it's the perfect opportunity to use it as proof of your divinity to a tribe of savages that you can then bend to your will.
I have chosen a lovely moon-worshiping gypsy tribe to roam the countryside enforcing my laws and whims. They seem quite taken with my crystal clear hazel eyes, impeccable night-vision and of course my piercing gaze that can cut deep into their souls. I'm sure that my speed and agility have been quite helpful in promoting the belief that I can also turn into a large black panther to punish the wicked and rend the souls of the forsaken asunder.
Kahn no doubt will be able to use his commanding voice and grand stature to set himself up as a deity of balance and ensure a similarly spectacular reaction from whichever tribe he deems worthy to honor him. Since Equinox is always a day of equal day and night, perhaps he could even spilt the tribe and have those that worship his benevolence in the daylight and those that pursue his evil schemes under the cloak of night. Either way, he has my best wishes in his endeavours. Perhaps we can get together and have a cross-tribal clam-bake or something in honor of our magnificence.
So, until next time dear readers, watch the night sky and enjoy your Equinox.
-Salem
Why be kings when we can be gods?
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