I have the power!!!

Ahahahahahahaha!!!

Our home internet connection is back and that means I'm back posting shit! Remember this mortals, YOU SHALL NEVER BE RID OF ME!!!

-Salem
I will devour your souls

Vodka & Pepsi

I really wish that's what I had in my Pepsi bottle but I don't. All I have in there is Pepsi. Pepsi and my own distilled rage. Turns out that I hate my new boss (let's call him 'The Mumbler') and I want him dead. I'm kind of hoping that I can hate him to death, but I have a back up plan in case that doesn't work out.

I'd like to encourage all our readers to send in any spare parts from your dooms-day devices, world destroying lasers or spare chemical-warfare toxins to me so that I can try and cobble together some kind of contraption that would end this soul-crushing agony. Seriously, I'd be forever in your debt.

This morning I came in feeling optimistic, after a great weekend, I thought today would be good. Of course I was deluding myself. I can't even get a simple "Good Morning" out of The Mumbler before he starts pissing me off. I'm starting to no longer care which one of us dies as long as it stops the pain.

Wait, what month is it?

February you say? The end of it? Well damn! So it's been quite a while since I posted last, but that's ok. Nobody reads it anyhow so I haven't got anyone sending me hate mail because we haven't done anything in the last month. There's something oddly soothing about running a blog with absolutely no readers. We post what we want, when we want and nobody ever complains about it. In fact, when we do hear about it, it's only from the other authors and I can't think of a time when it hasn't been some form of praise. How can you really argue with that?

Anyhow, moving right along, we're once again coming up to another Equinox. I know that few people are overly concerned by this as you follow your more standard holidays, such as Easter or Kwanzaa (what the hell is Kwanzaa?) and that's cool. Around here, both Frejak and I prefer to celebrate something that is far more scientifically proven and far less commercial. Thankfully, our friends respect that much in the same way that we respect their holiday of choice. Actually, I'm eagerly awaiting the day that Kahn decides to start celebrating Kwanzaa. It may not be that far off. Joyous Zwanzaa to you if it happens Kahn! Incidentally, I know that Kwanzaa is at the end of the year, but I'm demonstrating varied traditions of celebration here so shush.

So yeah, Equinox. Since we're in the Southern hemisphere, it's the Autumnal Equinox for us (Vernal if you're in the less trendy Northern hemisphere). With any luck it will signal a change to a cooler temperature and maybe some more rain. While that wasn't a very technical explanation, here's a watered down version for the people outside of our hemisphere:

This is the Equinox that gets a holiday

This is the Chevy Equinox that I hope hits you for not indicating while
changing lanes you dumb-ass.

Did I mention that lately I've been spending a lot more time on the roads? Well I have been and I'm starting to wish I had a bullet for every fucker that doesn't know how to indicate. One of these days I'm going to get hit by one of these morons and they're going to blame me for it. I imagine this is how the conversation will go:
Non-Indicator: "Why don't you watch where you're going dick?!?"
Enraged Salem: "I was watching exactly where I was going when you suddenly and without warning, veered into me you psych ward reject!!!"
[Insert me punching the idiot in the face and saying "Surprise Cock-Face!" here]

Right, this is getting a little off track here. The point of all this was to basically post up something new before the end of the month and also let you know that Equinox will be on March 20th this year. I hope you all have a joyous time. Frejak and I will light an extra candle for all of you... except those fuckers that never indicate.

-Salem
I've started weight training at the gym in preparation for the non-indicators.

Say my name bitch! SAY IT!

AH-HAHAHAHAHA!

That felt reeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaly good.

Ok, quick history for why this is here. Yesterday, I was hijacked at 3:55pm (5 minutes before I waltz out the door to go home) by... let's call him Lispy. Lispy is one of the directors here. He also happens to work in the civil sector. I am in the structural sector, in fact, I am all of the structural sector. So with 5 mintes of my day left, Lispy wants me to patch together a drawing for him. Not a structural drawing I might add, but a civil drawing. Now what the hell am I doing civil work for? I have 2 bridges and a large set of culverts that all needed to be out 2 months ago so I'm busy enough as it is. There are another 10 or 15 people in the civil sector that he could have asked to do this, so what the fuck am I working on a civil drawing for? Suffice to say I was seeing red and ended up leaving half an hour later than I was supposed to. Lispy is on thin ice with me right now, director or not.

This morning I was just waiting. Having completed the task Lispy had set me with the help of some people in the civil sector, I just knew that he'd try and find something wrong with it. Not today Lispy, not today. He seems to think that because I'm only technically a trainee but still doing the work of a lead drafter that I'm something less than human and should be punished. Not today Lispy, not today. He strolled into my cubical with that condescending look on his face that means he's about to start talking to me as if I have the brain capacity of a retarded kitten that's garroting itself with a ball of string. Not today Lispy, not today.

Here's how the conversation went. I've colour coded it for my own amusement and also to pinpoint the precise moment that I achieved total balance.

Lispy: "So I looked at that drawing and you haven't put in the contours that I asked you to."
Salem's Brain: Yeah bullshit I haven't you moron. If anything is missing it's because your trained monkeys in civil didn't give me the correct info or you expected me to read your mind and didn't bother to mention it.
Salem's Mouth: "Really? I followed the instructions that I got from the civil guys."
Lispy: "Well none of it's there. Open the file and I'll show you."
Salem's Brain: Oh here we go, you just want to get me to believe that even though you're an engineer, you can use AutoCAD as well as a trained drafter... didn't you try this yesterday? Oh well, good luck cock-bite, you're going to need it.
Salem's Mouth: "Not a problem. As you can see, I've bound in all the files that you requested."
Lispy: "So where are all the contours then?" (He's getting that pissed off tone at this point)
Salem's Brain: HAHA! Check and mate monkey-boy! So much for being a show off with ACAD. The layer's just turned off. Now, get the fuck out of my cube and back under your bridge dumb-ass!
Salem's Mouth: "You mean all these contours?" (Said while flicking on the required layer)
Lispy: "Never mind."
Salem, The One: "Would you like me to save you a copy with that layer turned on?"
Lispy: (No response as he retreats from my cube)

Not today Lispy, not today. It's Friday, my golden day when I am impervious to all attacks. You fail. Welcome to 'I win day' fucker.

-Salem
Zen. Today I am balanced, controlled and already out the door to start my weekend.

I are be presenting a Award!

Here, I present to you the winner of the San Jose State University's 2007 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, Mr. Jim Gleeson. He has mangled our language to such an extent that after reading this, you will lose 37 of your 5 senses. Permanently. I should also mention that the aim of this particular contest is to find the worst possible example of such a literary train-wreck to serve as only the first sentence of a nonexistent work of fiction. Enjoy!

Gerald began - but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten per cent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them 'permanently' meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash - to pee,

The only positive thing about this is that he had to try to do such damage. In fact, this was one of 20 entries that he submitted. The most disheartening however is that teenagers these days would still find it perfectly acceptable. I weep for the future. Did I remember to mention that the 37 senses you just lost was permanent, and that permanent does not mean just for the next 10 minutes?

-Salem
At least it wasn't written in 'Contracted Text Message' or I'd have killed myself.