Is there anything I missed?

So, I guess this begs the question: "Is there anything humans can't find a way to measure?".
The answer... is yes. Nobody has yet discovered a way to measure just how totally awesome I am. It's a big ask though, I'm pretty damn awesome after all.

1 acre = 0.404 686 hectares
1 acre = 4 roods
1 acre = 10 sq chains
1 acre = 160 square rods
1 acre = 4,046.856 422 4 square metres
1 acre = 4,840 square yards
1 acre = 43,560 square feet
1 acre foot = 1233.48 cu metres
1 acre foot = 1613.333 33 cu yds
1 acre foot = 43,560 cu ft
1 ampere hour = 3.60 kiloCoulomb
1 angstrom (Å) = 0.000 10 micrometres
1 angstrom = 0.1 nanometres
1 angstrom = 10^-10 metres
1 apostilb = 0.3183 candela per sq metre
1 are (a) = 0.024 71 acres
1 are = 0.098 84 roods
1 are = 100 sq metres
1 are = 119.599 00 sq yds
1 are = 0.010 hectares
1 astronomical unit = 149.6 x 10⁹ metres
1 atmosphere (atm) = 1 kg/sq cm
1 atmosphere = 14.223 35 lbs/sq in
1 atmosphere = 29.921 26 inches of Mercury
1 atmosphere = 101.325 kilopascals
1 atmosphere = 760 mm of Mercury
1 atmosphere = 1013.25 millibars
1 atmosphere = 101,325 Newtons per square metre
1 atto (as a prefix) = 10^-18
1 bananosecond = the time it takes between slipping on a peel and hitting the ground.
1 bar = 1.019 45 atmospheres
1 bar = 100 kilopascals
1 bar = 1000 millibars
1 barrel dry (US) = 115.627 litres
1 barrel (US) = 158.987 litres
1 barrel = 159.113 litres
1 barrel of oil = 35 gallons (?????)
1 barrel of oil = 42.033 22 gallons (????)
1 barrel of oil = 159.108 60 litres
1 barrel of water = 36 gallons (Imperial)
1 barrow = 0.0765 m3
1 bath = 72 log
1 billigram = the weight an evangelist carries with God
1 board foot = 0.002 3597 cu metres
1 British Thermal Unit (BTU) = 0.000 293 kilowatt hours
1 British Thermal Unit = 1.055 06 kilojoules
1 British Thermal Unit = 777.500 00 foot pounds
1 BTU per gallon = 0.232 080 kilojoules per litre
1 BTU per hour = 0.293 071 Watts
1 BTU per minute = 0.017 58 kilowatts
1 BTU per minute = 0.023 56 Horsepower
1 BTU per pound = 2.326 00 kilojoules per kg
1 BTU per cu ft = 37.258 90 kilojoules per m³
1 bushel (US) = 35.2391 litres
1 bushel (Imp) = 0.125 00 quarters
1 bushel (Imp) = 4 pecks
1 bushel (Imp) = 0.036 37 cu metres
1 bushel (Imp) = 8 gallons
1 bushel (Imp) = 36.367 68 litres
1 butt of water = 110 gallons
1 butt of water = 500.055 60 litres
1 cable length = 140 fathoms
1 calorie = 4.1868 Joules
1 candela per square foot = 10.764 candela per square metre
1 cental = 45.359 40 kg
1 cental = 100 pounds
1 centimetre (cm) = 0.393 70 inches
1 centimetre = 0.328 feet
1 centimetre = 10 millimetres
1 cm per second = 0.036 00 km/hr
1 cm per second = 1.968 50 ft/min
1 chain (Engineers) = 100 feet
1 chain (Engineers) = 30.48 metres
1 chain (Gunters) = 4 rods
1 chain (Gunters) = 22 yards
1 chain (Gunters) = 66 feet
1 chain (Gunters) = 100 links
1 chain (Gunters) = 20.116 8 metres
1 chaldron = 1.309 27 cu metres
1 chaldron = 4.50 quarters
1 chaldron = 36.0 bushels
1 cheval vapeur = 1 pfederstarke
1 cord (wood) = 128 cubic feet
1 Coulomb = 0.1 electromagnetic units
1 Coulomb = 1 Ampere per second
1 C-ration = 100 rations
1 cubic centimetre = 0.001 00 litres
1 cubic centimetre = 0.001 76 pints
1 cubic centimetre = 0.061 02 cu inches
1 cubic centimetre = 1 millilitre
1 cubic foot = 0.028 317 cubic metres
1 cubic foot = 62.321 lbs (water)
1 cubic foot = 1728 cubic inches
1 cubic foot per minute = 0.103 81 gals/sec
1 cubic foot per minute = 0.471 93 litres/sec
1 cubic foot per minute = 62.430 00 pounds/min
1 cubic foot per minute = 471.947 44 cu cm/sec
1 cubic foot per second = 13.574 38 inches/sq
1 cubic foot per second = 28.316 05 litres/sec
1 cubic foot per second = 373.730 31 gals per
1 cubic inch = 0.000 02 litres
1 cubic inch = 0.028 83 pints
1 cubic inch = 16.387 06 cubic centimetres
1 cubic inch = 252.158 grains (water)
1 cubic metre = 1.307 954 cubic yards
1 cubic metre = 35.314 67 cubic feet
1 cubic metre = 219.975 54 gallons (Imp)
1 cubic metre = 264.172 gallons (US)
1 cubic metre = 423.776 00 super feet
1 cubic metre = 1000 litres
1 cubic metre = 1759.604 31 pints
1 cubic metre = 61,023.744 09 cubic inches
1 cubic metre = 1,000,000 cubic cm
1 cubic metre per sec = 2.918 57 acre feet
1 cubic metre per sec = 35.314 67 cu ft per second
1 cubic millimetre = 0.000 06 cubic inches
1 cubic yard = 0.764 554 cu metres
1 cubic yard = 27 cubic feet
1 cubic yard = 168.183 37 gallons
1 cubic yard = 764.554 86 litres
1 cu yd per min = 12.742 58 litres per sec1 stone = 6.350 288 kilograms
1 cubit (short) = elbow to knuckles of a closed fist
1 cubit (short) = 6 hand breadths
1 cubit (long) = 1 short cubit plus a hand breadth
1 cubit = 12 to 25.2 inches but popularly 18 inches
1 cubit (bible) = 21.60 inches
1 cup = 250 ml
1 cup (US) = 240 ml
1 cup = 8 oz
1 cup (US) = 1.25 cups (UK/Aus)
1 cup (US) = 2.5 pints (UK/Aus)
1 cwt = see hundredweight
1 decacards = 10 cards
1 decadent = 3.3333 tridents
1 decametre = 10 metres
1 decimetre = 10 centimetres
1 decoration = 10 rations
1 demijohn = 0.5 lavatories
1 diagram = 2 monograms
1 drachm (Apothecaries) = 0.1250 ounces
1 drachm (Apothecaries) = 3 scruples
1 drachm (Apothecaries) = 3.887 93 grams
1 dram (Avoirdupois) = 0.062 50 ounces
1 dram (Avoirdupois) = 1.771 95 grams
1 dram (Avoirdupois) = 27.343 75 grains
1 duim = 1 inch
1 dyne = 0.000 01 Newtons
1 dyne per square cm = 0.1 Pascal
1 electronvolt = 1.602 x 10^-19 Joules
1 ephah = 72 log
1 erg = 10^-7 Joules
1 fathom = 1.828 80 metres
1 fathom = 6 feet
1 femto (prefix) = 10^-15
1 fig Newton = 1 kilogram of falling figs.
1 fluid drachm = 60 minims
1 fluid drachm = 3.552 millilitres
1 fluid ounce = 8 drachms
1 fluid ounce (UK) = 28.413 1 millilitres
1 fluid ounce (US) = 29.594 millilitres
1 fluid scruple = 1.184 millilitres
1 foot (ft) = 0.304 80 metres
1 foot = 12 inches
1 foot candle = 10.76 lux
1 foot lambert = 3.426 candela per square m
1 foot pound = 1.355 82 Newton metres or Joules
1 furlong = 10 chains
1 furlong = 201.168 metres
1 furlong = 220 yards
1 gallon (Imperial) = 0.004 55 cu metres
1 gallon (Imperial) = 0.005 95 cu yds
1 gallon (Imperial) = 0.500 000 pecks
1 gallon (Imperial) = 1.400 95 gallons (
1 gallon (Imperial) = 4 quarts
1 gallon (Imperial) = 4.546 09 litres
1 gallon (Imperial) = 8 pints
1 gallon (Imperial) = 10 lb (distilled water)
1 gallon (Imperial) = 160 fluid ounce
1 gallon (Imperial) = 277.419 30 cubic inches
1 gallon (US) = 0.832 67 gallons (
1 gallon (US) = 3.785 41 litres
1 gallon (US) = 231 cubic inches
1 gallon (Imp) per sec = 4.55 litres per sec
1 gallon (Imp) per hour = 0.001 26 litres per sec
1 gallon (Imp) per min = 0.002 68 cu ft per sec
1 gallon (Imp) per min = 0.075 77 litres per sec
1 gallon (Imp) per min = 9.632 34 cu ft/hour
1 gerah = 0.050 sacred or heavy shekel
1 gerah = 0.014 666 667 light shekel
1 giga (prefix) = 1,000,000,000
1 gill = 0.250 00 pints
1 gill = 5 fluid ounces
1 gill = 142.065 25 litres
1 grain = 0.002 29 ounces
1 grain = 0.041 67 pennyweight
1 grain = 0.050 00 scruples
1 grain = 0.064 60 grams
1 gram = 0.032 15 ounces (T)
1 gram = 0.035 27 ounces (A)
1 gram = 0.257 21 drachms
1 gram = 0.772 40 scruples
1 gram = 15.432 37 grains
1 gram per litre = 0.062 43 lbs/cu ft
1 gravity = 9.806 65 metre per second per second
1 hand = 4 inches
1 hectare (ha) = 0.010 00 sq kilometres
1 hectare = 2.471 05 acres
1 hectare = 119.599 005 square yards
1 hectare = 100 ares
1 hectare = 10,000 sq metres
1 hectare = 11,959.900 46 sq yards
1 hectometre = 10 decametres
1 henry = Weber per ampere
1 hertz = 1 cycle per sec
1 hin = 12 log
1 hoarsepower = the basic unit of laryngitis
1 homer = 740 log
1 Horsepower = 0.745 70 kilowatts
1 Horsepower = 42.445 00 BTU's
1 Horsepower = 33,000 Foot pounds
1 Horsepower = 745.70 Watts
1 hundredweight (cwt) = 0.050 00 tons
1 hundredweight (cwt) = 4 quarters
1 hundredweight (cwt) = 50.802 30 kg
1 hundredweight (cwt) = 112 pounds
1 inch = 0.083 33 feet
1 inch = 25.400 00 millimetres
1 inch = 1000 mils
1 inch of Mercury (at 0⁰C) = 3.386 38 kPa
1 inch of water (at 4⁰C) = 249.082 Pa
1 IV league = 3 miles of intravenous tubing at Yale University Hospital.
1 joule = 0.737 56 foot lbs
1 joule = 1 watt second
1 joule = 23.730 42 foot pounds
1 joule = 1 Newton metre
1 kilderkin = 18 gallons
1 kilderkin = 81.827 28 litres
1 kilogram (kg) = 0.001 000 tonnes
1 kilogram = 2.204 62 pounds
1 kilogram force = 9.606 65 Newtons
1 kilogram per metre (kg/m) = 0.671 999 pounds per foot
1 kilogram per metre = 9.81 Newton metre
1 kilogram per sq centimetre = 14.22 pounds per square inch
1 kilogram per sq centimetre = 98.06 kilopascals
1 kilohurts = 1000 aches and pains
1 kilojoule = 0.947 82 BTU
1 kilometre = 0.539 96 international nautical miles
1 kilometre = 0.621 37 miles
1 kilometre = 10 hectometres
1 kilometre = 49.709 70 chains
1 kilometre = 1093.613 30 yards
1 kilometre = 3260.839 90 feet
1 kilometre per hour = 0.539 60 knots
1 kilometre per hour = 0.621 37 miles per hour
1 kilometre per hour = 16.666 67 metres per second
1 kilometre per hour = 54.660 66 ft per minute
2 kilomocking birds = 2000 mocking birds
1 kilonewton = 101.971 62 kilograms force
1 kilonewton = 224.609 13 pounds force
1 kilonewton metres = 0.329 27 foot tons
1 kilonewton metres = 0.737 56 kip feet
1 kilonewton per m = 0.030 59 tons force
1 kilopascal = 40.885 40 pounds force
1 kilopascal = 0.01 bar
1 kilopascal = 0.01 kilogram per sq centimetre
1 kilopascal = 0.145 pounds per sq inch
1 kilowatt = 1.341 02 Horsepower
1 kilowatt = 1.361 pfederstarke
1 kilowatt = 56.940 00 BTU's
1 kilowatt = 1000 Watts
1 kilowatt hour = 3.600 000 Megajoules
1 kilowatt hour = 3415.400 00 BTU's
1 kip = 1000 pound force
1 kip = 4.448 22 kilonewtons
1 kip foot = 1.355 82 kilonewton
1 kip per sq inch = 6.894 76 Megapascal
1 knot = 1.852 km per hr
1 knot furlong = the time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour.
1 kor = 740 log
1 lambert = 3183.1 candela/m2
1 langley = 41.868 kJ/m2
1 league = 3 miles
1 link = 0.010 00 chains
1 link (Engineer's Chain) = 1 foot
1 link (Gunter's Chain) = 0.201 17 metres
1 link (Gunter's Chain) = 7.920 00 inches
1 lite year = 365 days on low calorie beer
1 literhosen = 1000 cubic centimetres of wet socks
1 litre = 0.001 00 cubic metres
1 litre = 0.027 50 bushels
1 litre = 0.035 316 cubic feet
1 litre = 0.219 98 (Imp) gallons
1 litre = 0.264 2 (US) gallons
1 litre = 1.759 60 pints
1 litre = 4.2 cups
1 litre = 61.023 74 cubic inches
1 litre = 1000 cubic centimetres
1 litre per second = 2.118 88 cu ft/ minute
1 litre per second = 13.198 53 gals per minute
1 log = 0.99 pints
1 log = 1 sextarius
1 lumen per sq ft = 0.0929 lux
1 lumen hour = 3600 lumen seconds
1 megacycle = 500,000 bicycles
1 megahurts = 1,000,000 aches
1 Megalitre = 1,000 cubic metre
1 megaphone = 1 million telephones
1 Megajoule = 0.277 78 kilowatt
1 Meganewton = 100.361 00 tons force
1 Megapascal = 0.14504 kips per second
1 Megawatt = 1,000,000 Watts
1 Megohm = 1,000,000 Ohms
1 metre (m) = 0.004 97 furlongs
1 metre = 0.198 84 rods or perches
1 metre = 0.049 71 chains
1 metre = 0.546 81 fathoms
1 metre = 1.093 61 yards
1 metre = 3.280 84 feet
1 metre = 10 decimetres
1 metre = 39.370 08 inches
1 metre per min = 0.037 28 miles per hour
1 metre per min = 0.054 68 ft per second
1 metre per min = 0.060 00 km per hour
1 metre per min = 1.666 67 cm per second
1 microfiche = 1 millionth of a fish
1 microscope = 1 millionth of a mouthwash
1 mil = 0.001 00 inches
1 mil = 0.025 40 mm
1 mile = 1.609 344 kilometre
1 mile = 7.500 00 cable lengths
1 mile = 8 furlongs
1 mile = 1609.344 00 metres
1 mile = 1760 yards
1 mile = 5280 feet
1 mile per gallon (UK) = 0.354km/litre
1 mile per gallon (UK) to litres per 100km - divide 282.481 by miles per gallon
1 mile per gallon (US) = 0.425km/litre
1 mile per hour = 0.447 04 metres per second
1 mile per hour = 0.868 40 knots
1 mile per hour = 1.609 344 km/h
1 mile per hour = 26.822 40 metres per minute
1 mile per hour = 44.704 00 cm per second
1 mile per hour = 88 ft per minute
1 military pace = 0.762 00 metres
1 military pace = 2.500 00 feet
1 millibar = 0.1 kPa
1 milligram = 0.015 43 grains
1 milligram = 0.000 04 ounces
1 milligram per litre = 1 part per million
1 millilitre (ml) = 0.00001 cubic metres
1 millilitre = 0.035 40 fluid ounces
1 millilitre = 0.067 tablespoons
1 millilitre = 0.2 teaspoons
1 millilitre = 1000mm3
1 millimetre (mm) = 0.039 37 inches
1 million gals per day = 1.858 09 cubic ft per day
1 million gals per day = 3.156 92 cubic metres per minute
1 million gals per day = 3,156.916 67 litres per minute
1 million gals per day = 4,545,960.00 litres per day
1 mina (Babylonian) = 0.016 666 667 shekel
1 mina (Babylonian and Phoenician) = 60 talents
1 mina (Phoenician) = 0.040 shekel
1 miners inch = 0.707 92 litres/sec
1 miners inch = 1.500 00 cubic ft/second
1 minim = 0.016 67 fluid drams
1 minim = 0.059 00 millilitres
1 monologue = 5 dialogues
1 nail (cloth) = 2.250 00 inches
1 nail (cloth) = 57.150 00 millimetres
1 nautical mile = 1.151 51 miles
1 nautical mile = 6,060.2 feet
1 Newton = 0.102 00 kilograms
1 Newton = 0.224 60 pounds foot
1 Newton = 0.224 60 kips
1 Newton = 7.233 30 poundals
1 Newton = 100,000 dynes
1 Newton metre = 0.102 kilograms per metre
1 Newton metre = 0.737 53 foot pounds
1 Newton metre = 1 joule
1 Newton per metre = 0.068 52 pounds foot
1 Newton per sq mm = 1 Megapascal
1 nickel = 1 paradigm
1 oerted = 79.6A/m
1 Ohm (international) = 1.000 49 Absolute Ohm
1 omer = 7.50 log
1 ounce (fluid) = 0.028 41 litres
1 ounce (fluid) = 1.733 87 cubic inches
1 ounce (Avoirdupois) = 0.062 50 pounds
1 ounce (Avoirdupois) = 0.911 46 ounce (apothecaries)
1 ounce (Avoirdupois) = 0.911 46 ounce (troy)
1 ounce (Avoirdupois) = 16 drams
1 ounce (Avoirdupois) = 28.349 5 grams
1 ounce (Avoirdupois) = 437.500 00 grains
1 ounce (Apothecaries) = 0.083 33 pounds
1 ounce (Apothecaries) = 1 ounce (troy)
1 ounce (Apothecaries) = 1.097 14 ounce (avoirdupois)
1 ounce (Apothecaries) = 8 drams
1 ounce (Apothecaries) = 31.103 49 grams
1 ounce (Apothecaries) = 460 grains
1 ounce (troy) = 0.083 33 pounds
1 ounce (troy) = 1 ounce (apothecaries)
1 ounce (troy) = 1.097 14 ounce (avoirdupois)
1 ounce (troy) = 40 pennyweight
1 ounce (troy) = 31.103 49 grams
1 ounce (troy) = 460 grains
1 ounce per sq ft = 305.151 g/sq m
1 ounce per sq inch = 43.942 kg/m2
1 palm = 3 inches
1 palm = 76.400 00 millimetre
1 parsec = 30,840,000.00 million km
1 Pascal = 0.145 04 pounds/sq ft
1 Pascal = 1.0 Newtons/sq m
1 paradigm = 4 nickels
1 paradise = 2 snake eyes
1 paradox = 2 wharves
1 peck = 0.250 00 bushels
1 peck = 2 gals
1 peck = 9.091 92 litres
1 pennyweight = 0.050 00 ounces (troy)
1 pennyweight = 1.555 17 grams
1 pennyweight = 24 grains
1 pentacost = 5 holocausts
1 perch = 0.025 00 rods
1 perch = 1 sq rod
1 perch = 25.292 85 sq metres
1 perch = 30.250 00 sq yds
1 pfederstarke (PS) = 0.735 kW
1 pint = 0.125 00 gals
1 pint = 0.500 00 quarts
1 pint (UK) = 0.568 261 litres
1 pint (US) = 0.4732 litres
1 pint = 2.5 cups
1 pint = 4 gills
1 pint = 20 fluid ounces
1 point of rainfall = 0.010 00 inches
1 poise = 0.1 Pascal seconds
1 pole = 1 rod
1 pole = 5.029 40 metres
1 pole = 5.500 00 yards
1 pound (avoirdupois) (lb) = 0.453 592 kilograms
1 pound (avoirdupois) = 1.215 28 pounds (troy)
1 pound (avoirdupois) = 1.215 28 pounds (apothecaries)
1 pound (avoirdupois) = 16 ounces
1 pound (troy) = 0.373 24 kilograms
1 pound (troy) = 0.822 86 pounds (avoirdupois)
1 pound (troy) = 1 pounds (apothecaries)
1 pound (troy) = 12 ounces (troy)
1 pound (apothecaries) = 0.373 24 kilograms
1 pound (apothecaries) = 0.822 86 pounds (avoirdupois)
1 pound (apothecaries) = 1 pounds (troy)
1 pound (apothecaries) = 12 ounces (apothecaries)
1 pound foot = 1.355 82 Newton metres
1 pound per ft = 1.488 16 kilograms
1 pound per sq inch = 703.069 01 kilograms
1 pound per sq inch = 6.894 76 kilopascals
1 pound per sq ft = 0.016 02 feet of water
1 pound per sq ft = 4.882 42 kilograms / m2
1 pound per cu inch = 27,679.882 13 kilograms
1 pound per cu foot = 16.018 45 kilograms / m3
1 pound of water/min = 0.000 27 cu ft/sec
1 pound of water/min = 27.299 71 litres/hr
1 pound force = 4.448 22 Newtons
1 pound force / sq ft = 47.88 Pa
1 pound force/sq inch (psi) = 0.006 90 Megapascal
1 pound force/sq inch = 0.069 0 kg per sq cm
1 pound force/sq inch = 6.895 00 kilopascals
1 pound force/sq ft = 47.881 94 Pascals
1 poundal = 0.138 26 Newtons
1 poundal = 32.400 00 pounds foot
1 poundal per sq ft = 1.4882 Pa
1 puncheon = 72 gallons
1 puncheon = 327.309 12 litres
1 quart = 0.250 00 gallons
1 quart (US) = 0.946 litres
1 quart (UK) = 1.136 49 litres
1 quart = 2 pints
1 quarter = 25 cents
1 quarter = 8 bushels
1 quarter = 12.70 058 kilograms
1 quarter = 28 pounds
1 quarter = 290.900 00 litres
1 quarter (cloth) = 4 nails
1 quintal = 1.968 41 hundredweight
1 quintal = 100 kilograms
1 quintal = 240.462 44 pounds
1 quire = 0.050 00 reams
1 quire = 25 sheets
1 radian = 57.295 60 degrees
1 radian = 57 17'45" degrees
1 radian per second = 9.549 30 revolutions per minute
1 ream = 40 quires
1 ream = 500 sheets
1 revolution = 360 degrees
1 revolution = 6.283 18 radians
1 revolution per minute = 0.104 72 radians per sec
1 revolution per minute = 6 degrees per sec
1 rod = 5.029 40 metres
1 rod = 16.500 feet
1 rod = 25 links
1 rod serling = 25 links to the Twilight Zone
1 rood = 0.101 17 hectares
1 rood = 0.250 00 acres
1 rood = 40 perches
1 rood = 1,011.714 11 sq metres
1 rood = 1,210 sq yards
1 scruple = 0.333 33 drachms
1 scruple = 1.2950 grams
1 scruple = 20 grains
1 semicolon = half a large intestine
1 seminary = 500 millinaries
1 sextarius = 0.99 pints
1 sextarius = 1 log
1 shekel (Babylonian) = 60 mina
1 shekel (Phoenician) = 50 mina
1 shekel = approximately 11.5 grams
1 heavy shekel = 1 sacred shekel
1 sacred shekel = 1 heavy shekel
1 span = 6 inches
1 span = 152.40 millimetres
1 square (house area) = 100 sq feet
1 square centimetre = 0.155 00 sq inches
1 square centimetre = 100 square millimetres
1 square chain = 16 perches
1 square chain = 404.685 64 sq metres
1 square chain = 484 sq yds
1 square foot = 0.092 903 square metres
1 square foot = 144 square inches
1 square inch = 645.160 00 sq mm
1 square inch = 6.451 60 sq cm
1 square km = 0.386 10 sq miles
1 square km = 100 hectares
1 square km = 247.105 38 acres
1 square km = 1,195,990.046 3 sq yds
1 square metre = 0.000 25 acres
1 square metre = 1.195 99 sq yards
1 square metre = 10.763 91 sq feet
1 square mile = 2.589 99 sq kilometres
1 square mile = 258.998 81 hectares
1 square mile = 640 acres
1 square mile = 2,589,988.11 square metres
1 square mile = 3,097,600 square yards
1 square millimetre = 0.001 55 sq inches
1 square yard = 0.000 21 acres
1 square yard = 0.008 36 acres
1 square yard = 0.836 127 sq metres
1 square yard = 4 quarters (cloth)
1 square yard = 9 sq feet
1 stone = 14 pounds
1 straight line = the shortest distance between two jokes.
1 super foot of timber = 0.002 360 cub metres
1 tablespoon = 40 ml
1 talent (Babylonian) = 0.016 666 667 mina
1 talent (Phoenician) = 0.02 mina
1 teaspoon = 5 ml
1 terrapin = 1 trillion pins
1 therm = 29.300 00 kilowatts
1 therm = 105.506 00 Megajoules
1 therm = 100,000 BTU's
1 ton (long) = 1.016 05 tonnes
1 ton (long) = 1.140 00 short ton
1 ton (long) = 20 cwts
1 ton (long) = 1140 kg
1 ton (long) = 2240 pounds
1 ton (short) = 0.907 18 tonnes
1 ton (short) = 0.892 86 long tons
1 ton (short) = 2000 pounds
1 ton force (US) = 8.896 kN
1 ton force (UK) = 9.964 kN
1 ton force per sq ft (US) = 95.76 kPa
1 ton force per sq ft (UK) = 107.25 kPa
1 ton force per sq inch (US) = 13.79 MPa
1 ton force per sq inch (UK) = 15.44 MPa
1 tonne = 0.984 21 long tons
1 tonne = 1.102 31 short ton
1 tonne = 1,000 kilograms
1 tonne = 2,204.624 42 pounds
1 tun of water = 250 gallons
1 tun of water = 1,136.490 00 litres
1 Watt = 0.001 34 Horsepower
1 Watt = 0.056 97 BTU's
1 Watt = 0.737 56 ft lbs foot
1 Watt = 1 Joule per sec
1 Watt hour = 3.415 00 BTU's
1 Watt hour = 3.6 kJ
1 Watt hour = 2,655 foot pounds
1 Watt per sq ft = 10.764 W/m2
1 won ton = 1000kg of Chinese soup (short)
1 yard (yd) = 0.914 40 metres
1 yard = 3 feet
1 yard = 914.399 20 millimetres

-Salem
Where's the Big Mac fit into all this?

Vodka & Pepsi

I really wish that's what I had in my Pepsi bottle but I don't. All I have in there is Pepsi. Pepsi and my own distilled rage. Turns out that I hate my new boss (let's call him 'The Mumbler') and I want him dead. I'm kind of hoping that I can hate him to death, but I have a back up plan in case that doesn't work out.

I'd like to encourage all our readers to send in any spare parts from your dooms-day devices, world destroying lasers or spare chemical-warfare toxins to me so that I can try and cobble together some kind of contraption that would end this soul-crushing agony. Seriously, I'd be forever in your debt.

This morning I came in feeling optimistic, after a great weekend, I thought today would be good. Of course I was deluding myself. I can't even get a simple "Good Morning" out of The Mumbler before he starts pissing me off. I'm starting to no longer care which one of us dies as long as it stops the pain.

Say my name bitch! SAY IT!

AH-HAHAHAHAHA!

That felt reeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaly good.

Ok, quick history for why this is here. Yesterday, I was hijacked at 3:55pm (5 minutes before I waltz out the door to go home) by... let's call him Lispy. Lispy is one of the directors here. He also happens to work in the civil sector. I am in the structural sector, in fact, I am all of the structural sector. So with 5 mintes of my day left, Lispy wants me to patch together a drawing for him. Not a structural drawing I might add, but a civil drawing. Now what the hell am I doing civil work for? I have 2 bridges and a large set of culverts that all needed to be out 2 months ago so I'm busy enough as it is. There are another 10 or 15 people in the civil sector that he could have asked to do this, so what the fuck am I working on a civil drawing for? Suffice to say I was seeing red and ended up leaving half an hour later than I was supposed to. Lispy is on thin ice with me right now, director or not.

This morning I was just waiting. Having completed the task Lispy had set me with the help of some people in the civil sector, I just knew that he'd try and find something wrong with it. Not today Lispy, not today. He seems to think that because I'm only technically a trainee but still doing the work of a lead drafter that I'm something less than human and should be punished. Not today Lispy, not today. He strolled into my cubical with that condescending look on his face that means he's about to start talking to me as if I have the brain capacity of a retarded kitten that's garroting itself with a ball of string. Not today Lispy, not today.

Here's how the conversation went. I've colour coded it for my own amusement and also to pinpoint the precise moment that I achieved total balance.

Lispy: "So I looked at that drawing and you haven't put in the contours that I asked you to."
Salem's Brain: Yeah bullshit I haven't you moron. If anything is missing it's because your trained monkeys in civil didn't give me the correct info or you expected me to read your mind and didn't bother to mention it.
Salem's Mouth: "Really? I followed the instructions that I got from the civil guys."
Lispy: "Well none of it's there. Open the file and I'll show you."
Salem's Brain: Oh here we go, you just want to get me to believe that even though you're an engineer, you can use AutoCAD as well as a trained drafter... didn't you try this yesterday? Oh well, good luck cock-bite, you're going to need it.
Salem's Mouth: "Not a problem. As you can see, I've bound in all the files that you requested."
Lispy: "So where are all the contours then?" (He's getting that pissed off tone at this point)
Salem's Brain: HAHA! Check and mate monkey-boy! So much for being a show off with ACAD. The layer's just turned off. Now, get the fuck out of my cube and back under your bridge dumb-ass!
Salem's Mouth: "You mean all these contours?" (Said while flicking on the required layer)
Lispy: "Never mind."
Salem, The One: "Would you like me to save you a copy with that layer turned on?"
Lispy: (No response as he retreats from my cube)

Not today Lispy, not today. It's Friday, my golden day when I am impervious to all attacks. You fail. Welcome to 'I win day' fucker.

-Salem
Zen. Today I am balanced, controlled and already out the door to start my weekend.

Always outnumbered, never outgunned!

Well, we have a new guy starting today. He's Civil. I don't mean civil 'he's quite polite', I mean civil 'he's one of them'. I'm a structural drafter and in my office, that makes me a minority. There's one structural engineer/drafter and me. That's it. The other 10 or so drafters are civil. I suppose I could add the civil engineers to that, but I don't need that.

In time, I hope to elevate my singularity to a more lofty perch. I know that there's another structural guy, but he's first and foremost an engineer. What I'm hoping is that by being the only dedicated structural drafter, I will be able to pick and choose what goes on around me much like the old kings of France. I figure my blood line is pretty close so why the hell not?

Since I know that this is only for my amusement and doesn't mean much to anyone else, I've decided to sweeten the deal for you. Here's some Jessica Alba.

-Salem
Enjoy!

That dog won't hunt Monsegnior.

For those of you that wish to avoid hearing me voice my opinions on 'Architects', please leave now. I know that since I've started working in the civil sector as opposed to the industrial sector I've started to go on about this more and more. To try and save a few friends, I think it vital to start giving you fair warning when I'm about to revisit this topic. Here it is:

Disclaimer: I am about to let loose some venom-filled verbal abuse about how useless architects are. There will be excruciatingly broad generalisations and most importantly, a lot of humiliation and dishonour heaped high upon them. If for some reason you suffer from a serious brain deficiency and are sympathetic to their plights, turn away now.

Start of Rant:
I have but two very simple, yet poignant questions that I wish to ask of architects. This is problematic as I fear that many of them can not communicate with normal humans any more. I suppose that if I was willing I could source an ape that, while having learned sign language, still enjoys slinging its own feces at other apes and ask if it would be willing to act as some sort of go-between for myself and the first of these raving mad-men that I managed to capture. The main reason that I am not embarking on this 'epic quest of discovery' is that I think the overwhelming urge to 'cleanse' the wayward soul from the earth would be too strong for me to resist. Never the less, I will press on and ask my questions. I may never receive an answer that makes any sense, but whose fault will that be? Not mine sir, not mine.

My first question is the one that causes me the most pain. How can an architect working in a CAD program not manage to draw with any sort of accuracy what so ever? I make a living working inside a CAD program. Granted, I use AutoCAD which is one of the high-end programs for computer aided drawing, but honestly... even people in MS Paint manage to get lines to connect at corners, so what could you possibly offer as an excuse? When I say that I find it more inconvenient to not connect lines at intersections or draw them at the correct length, you should realise that I am very serious. As I said, this causes me a great deal of pain because drawing accurately is so very simple in CAD programs that you would have to make an effort to be so thoroughly hopeless.

And now for my second question. It may seem a little more philosophical than the first but still, I don't think that it should really be as hard to answer as an architect would want you to believe. What is the good of an architect? In years gone by, I could understand it. Back in the glory days of architecture, these men and women were pinnacles of creativity and knowledge. There was a time when the architect was not only designing the way a structure would look, but also how it would manage to stay standing. They were in short vital to the expansion of society. Now, they have fallen. We have engineers who are much more able to make a structure withstand the conditions that they will need to face in order to keep erect. We have landscapers to arrange the gardens and surrounding greenery. There are interior decorators that can work wonders with the internal space of any structure offered them. Then of course there are the humble drafters who at the direction of a client can lay out their visions of grandeur accurately within the digital realm. I have in the past, drawn up structures clear enough to be understood by even the most common of clients and which are still perfect for use by the builders. Not a 2D person? No problem! I can turn practically any set of 2D's into a 100% accurate 3D model in no time. So if there are all these people that can do everything an architect used to, why are they still plaguing me with their useless scribblings that cost me more time to try and correct than if I just redew the whole thing myself?

Mark my words, as soon as I have my qualifications and can call myself not just a 'cadet structural drafter' but a 'structural design drafter', I'm going to start doing my best to push these repugnant remnants out of the market. I may once have trained to join their ranks, but right now were Satan himself standing between me and the first person to now confuse me with one of their kind, then tomorrow Jesus would be advertising for a new Lord of Hell. Who knows, I may even apply for the job. Since most of the people there are likely to be either lawyers, accountants or architects, I think I could be just the man they'd need.
End of Rant.

Sorry about that. Just needed to vent some frustration.

-Salem
What? Did you really think Zen meant no anger?

Ron's House!

So now you know whose house it is. Anyhow, just finished playing pool here at the office and I really don't want to get back to work. Thankfully, I haven't got any deadlines at the moment, so I'm likely to just be lazy for the afternoon... yeah, like that's a big change in my work habits.

Enough of that though, lets talk house. We have the lease signing tomorrow at 11am, we get keys on the 5th and we're doing the inspection report (or 'Inspectino Report' if you want to get all Latin-American about it) on Friday the 8th. One week till we move... I should really start packing!

-Salem
It's like we only die because we accept it as an inevetability.... whaaah!

What the hell is this?

So it's been a while, I know. Today is special though. My boss is going to attempt a new record: Most number of days in a week where he waits until 4:00pm to give me any work.

This is fun because I leave the office at 4:30pm. I've got $5.00 that says I have it finished before he gets in tomorrow at around 8:30am - 9:00am. Then I'll have to go back to fixing my spillway.

Also, here's a message for the former structural drafter at my work: Fuck you TT! I hope your head gets crushed in a bizzar felching competition mishap you fucking retard. Learn to draw or stay the fuck away from ACAD! I ever see you around here again and (doing my best Jack Nicholson impression) "I'll rip off your head and piss in your dead skull! You fucked with the wrong drafter!"

-Salem
Only pussies die from embolisms! Suck it up you girly-men!

It Begins Again

Well here I am back at work. The break that I have had has been good. A full month off! I did very little with the time, and that's exactly what I wanted. Of course there was the trip to New Zealand which I have told people about so I wont mention here, safe to say I had a good time.

So my first day starts and I walk in to a resounding greeting punctuated with the information that the air con in the building is down. Thoughs of you who know me know I can't stand the heat. Great.

This has happened once before, on my first day, and the response was that we all got sent home. I must admit I was hopeful. Unfortunantly not so lucky today. All the people who could work from home (aka most advisers) have gone home and the boss. I don't hold it against them as they really will be working (I have the ability from my machine to make sure of that) and I like all the administrators cannot do my work from home.

Of course my action in response to this is that I have set up five machines in the board room as it is large and has separate aircon that still works, It was sweatty work in this heat setting them up but now I'm comfortable with a much better view.

And to make it better the PM just brought us all ice blocks, whichis nice. I'd rather be home but this is still nice.

Last day

Well this is officially my last day in the office. From here, I hope to get a job at Gametraders and write a book in my spare time. Perhaps I should be a little more worried, but I'm not. I guess that we'll have to wait and see how things pan out. With any luck, by the end of January I'll have a staff discount on games and at least the first chapter of a book written. I'll keep you updated on that as I'm certain that my life is vastly more important than anyone else's and that's why you need to come here and read about it.

That's what having a blog means right?

-Salem

Don't argue with me over these things. There are vastly more important arguements than yours that need to be made and without which, the world could be forced to it's knees.

When does the hurting stop?

How do they do this so consistantly? An entire day of inactivity will pass and then right at 4pm, they find a mountain of work for me to do! It's more than just a little frustrating let me tell you. Well today, it ain't gonna happen. I'm just not going to do it. I won't have any of it even remotely close to finished before I head home and what little I could accomplish, I won't be able to remember enough of to pick it up again effectively next Monday. As such, I declare myself done for the week.

I'm going to ignore all the rushing around and just get myself rolling towards my weekend groove. I plan on playing many games and sleeping as much as I can. I know it's not exciting, but I couldn't care less. It's enjoyable and that's all that counts right now.

I often wonder how it is work expects me to get really reved up to get a job started at the last second at the end of the week. Perhaps they have some scarry workoholic issues that cause them to work through the weekend and thus don't recognise anyone else's lack of interest in a task handed to them at 4:30pm. In my mind, I'm already out the door, on the train, off the train, on the bus, off the bus, up the hill, in the house, playing my games, beatin' your scorez. If only I could make it home that fast physically as well as mentally. Perhaps when my mutant powers kick in I'll work on that.




I'm in your base, killin' your doodz.

Nuclear Destruction

OK.....this is a continuation from my comments on the Wonders of Nothing post.

"More details will follow when i have more time, or even better when all the customers are dead, buried and the nuclear holocaust wipes out the rest of you retard monkeys. Gahahhhhhhh an hour of training idiots **sob** Kill me quickly " Kallisar 5/12/06 2:58pm

This began like any normal day, much complaining from customers the usual bored and apathetic responses from the techs. Then out of the blue a new job.....something bright and shiny to complete my day.......New Techs!!!!. Such a rare and beautiful creature (OK so that is a horrible lie especially where we tend to churn through techs like fat people and twinkies) and i have been given the sweet task of teaching them something. Ahhh wonders will never cease to amaze me. However I am digressing, Teaching these techs is not simply like clubbing seals, no that that easy at all and when I say tech I am not implying that these new staff members are techs from previous roles but are labelled techs due to the role that they are in. So I am teaching "I used to be a professional photographer" "IPX/SPX is the best protocol" and "I am tall, what more do I need", the combined knowledge of these people has enough mass to have sunk the titanic and boring enough to make me consider doing some work. Needless to say upon beginning to teach the very simple task of logging into the phone system and setting up the preferences the questions start coming.

Mr" I am Tall, what more do I need" asks me "If we don't log into the phone system what happens" a fair enough question which I replied with " You will not get paid ", what then proceeded to hurt my training ability was this gem "What about if I log in as someone else" Well let me see " You would give them more money and you would be paid nothing" ......."But nothing is stopping me do this is there". I began to pray that this was a cosmic joke, that the stars and all the planets were looking down and laughing, but he was looking at me with such interesting and with such a dopey "Look mah, no hands" expression that I realised he was dead serious. I did what any decent tech would do in this situation, " You should do that then".

Mr "I used to be a professional photographer" was a little more interesting with his great thoughts of "I have taken photos of hot chicks" now normally I am more than happy to sit down and talk about the benefits of good looking ladies, however the next words floored me much like a bulldozer and a tin shed, "Shame they are mostly my cousins". I was flabbergasted, not only was he taking very very sexy photos ofhis family members but he was showing them around with not a care in the world. Sure you might say they are only his cousins, but I am not about to speak to those people who live in Ipswich or Toowoomba.

I would love to say that that these were the only pieces of stupidity that I had to deal with but as I am sure you are aware I have to deal with end users and thus they continue to punish me for humanities crimes.

The pain of torment is so strong right now I am going to take a break and leave you considering this gem of a thought "If a customer dies in the woods , do the techs care?"

Dear, sweet, ZOMBIE Jesus!

You know when you see way to many posts in quick sucession from someone on a blog and you think to yourself "Jezz, get a life for god's sake!" and walk off shaking your head? Well I think I may have figured out why it happens. I've been begging everyone in my office for something to do in an effort to make myself productive so that I feel like I've earned my meager wage and guess what? There is nothing to do. I'm sitting in a barren wasteland, deviod of work related stimulus.

Most would be happy about this, but I find it rather annoying. There seems to be a painful cycle here. Every time I need time off to do something (for example: dental work, doctor's appointments, hostile take-over of an inconspicuous island nation, whatever), there seems to be an influx of work but as soon as I have no reason to be outside of the office, nothing. On the up side, I've just snagged my first real work of the day while typing this up. And look at that, it's only a half hour from lunch time! Man the gears are turning fast today, I wasn't expecting anything until at least 4:00pm.

-Salem

News Flash! The snozberries still taste like snozberries! Amazing!